Journey of the Sparrow: 2023

Friday, December 22, 2023

Perspective

Radiation for the thoracic lesion was completed today. It has officially fried my esophagus (hopefully temporary) so I assume it has made an impact on the thoracic lesion (hopefully permanent). This week has put many things into perspective. Ten years ago this week I came back from MDAnderson in a horribly bumpy ambulance ride to a rehab hospital in Tyler after surgery to remove a third of my femur. The doctor wanted me there for six weeks, but Christmas was upon us and I had been told that I had a short time to live. So not expecting to be here for another Christmas I insisted on going home to spend that last Christmas with my family. God has richly blessed me to be here ten years later.

As I have gone for radiation treatments the last two weeks I have noticed many awaiting doctor visits or treatments in the waiting area who are so much worse than myself. Some short of breath despite oxygen, some in wheelchairs with little hope of getting out, some obviously feeling more exhausted than I feel. That, and the memory of ten years ago helps me to view what is been going on with my cancer with a different perspective. I am reminded of how blessed I am. I could be in a much worse shape today, BUT I am not there yet. I am content to be where God has me at this moment.

I recently saw this Christmas hymn and love the words. May it bless you this Christmas season. Have a blessed Christmas and remember He whose birth we rejoice in.

I Cannot Tell by William Fullerton

I cannot tell why He, whom angels worship,
  Should set His love upon the sons of men,
Or why, as Shepherd, He should seek the wand’rers,
  To bring them back, they know not how or when.
But this I know, that He was born of Mary,
  When Bethl’hem’s manger was His only home,
And that He lived at Nazareth and labored,
  And so the Savior, Savior of the world, is come.

I cannot tell how silently He suffered,
  As with His peace He graced this place of tears,
Or how His heart upon the Cross was broken,
  The crown of pain to three and thirty years.
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted,
  And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
  For yet the Savior, Savior of the world, is here.

I cannot tell how He will win the nations,
  How He will claim His earthly heritage,
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
  Of east and west, of sinner and of sage.
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory,
  And He shall reap the harvest He has sown,
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendor
  When He the Savior, Savior of the world, is known.

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship,
  When, at His bidding, every storm is stilled,
Or who can say how great the jubilation
  When all the hearts of men with love are filled.
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture,
  And myriad, myriad human voices sing,
And earth to heaven, and heaven to earth, will answer:
  At last the Savior, Savior of the world, is King.

Monday, December 4, 2023

Thanksgiving

Next week (or possibly later this week) I start radiation for a metastatic lesion in my thoracic spine. It was discovered after an increase in back pain and sciatica sent me in for scans. Today I consulted with the radiation doctor. After “planning” tomorrow he will decide what kind of radiation, but it will be high dose likely daily for two weeks.

A month before Thanksgiving as I was awaiting testing and results of those tests I determined that I would focus daily on the many things I have to be thankful for. The list is truly endless and I’m sure I would not reach its end in my lifetime. However, here are some of the things I have found to particularly give thanks for:

I am thankful that I can be joyful because where I am now is where God has assigned me to be today.

I am incredibly thankful for family and friends who surround me with their prayers and love daily.

When I lay awake at night, I am thankful for the ability to pray for friends who have entrusted me to pray for them.

I am thankful that when I am tied to my recliner I can still enjoy reading. I am also thankful that when I forget what I have read I can find new enjoyment in reading the same thing over!

The pain makes me thankful that I have it so much better than so many.

I am thankful that I do not have to be a crotchety old lady complaining about her lot in life (and hopefully will never be) but can find joy in the place God has chosen to put me.

I am thankful that sixty-eight years ago, God knew me in my Mother’s womb and has not let go of me since!

I am ever so thankful that because God is good, just, and wise, all the time and in ALL circumstances, I can know that this cancer is for my good and for God’s glory.

I am overwhelmed daily with thankfulness for the beauty and awesomeness of God’s creation and the lessons that teaches me. I am reminded of Tim Keesee’s encouragement in his book “A Day’s Journey: Stories of Hope and Death-Defying Joy” to think of the trillium wildflowers that paint the forest floor in spring time. The flowers remind us of their Creator __ and ours. They remind us that the Great Gardener purposed to give life, color, fragrance, and beauty even to wildflowers that may never be seen in their brief existence. If our God does that for flowers, He will surely be with His people, giving them His life and filling their days with the fragrance and beauty of His presence.

May you be thankful with with me every day, all day!

Friday, September 1, 2023

The Weed in the Garden of My Heart

As I testified to in my last blog, four weeks ago I was abundantly blessed with good results from the surgery to remove the tumor on my adrenal gland. God was gracious to give me a fairly good recovery. Then two weeks ago I was very suddenly struck with an excruciatingly severe pain behind two of the incisions whenever I moved even slightly. The pain landed me in the hospital for the weekend where a multitude of tests were run. I have an exceptionally good pain tolerance, but my description of the pain was that it felt like there was a scalpel that had been left inside during my surgery! For those three days I moved only with the assistance of one of my two sons (who hardly left my bedside) or my daughter and was doubled over in pain, breaking out in a cold sweat just to walk to the bathroom. Ruling out other causes I was sent home by the minions of doctors with the probable diagnosis of nerve pain which would take some time to heal. I am very sensitive to medication and the medication I was placed on has made me feel like a zombie most days.

Over the last week I have seen some very slow, but definite Improvement. Enough improvement to give me hope that there is light at the end of a very long tunnel. I must admit however, that despite being wonderful cared (and prayed) for by family, the church body, and friends, I allowed myself to become very frustrated, discouraged and consequently somewhat depressed at the persistency of the pain, the uncertainty of the diagnosis and thus the outcome, as well as the inability to return to normal function. For a month the surgery, and now the pain, has kept me from church and all other usual activities, something that has greatly distressed me. It has been a struggle to read, crochet or do otherwise profitable activity while sitting in my recliner (which is most of the day) due to the medication.

In my attempt to fix my eyes upon my LORD instead of myself the last few days (something I was convicted I needed to do), I was struck by the irony of a thought that I had in my blog about being prepared for death or life. I do believe I was prepared for death, however I was massively unprepared for the last 2 weeks of life! Things did not go as I had planned, and instead of trusting quietly in the providence of God I allowed the weed of impatience to crop up into the garden of my heart. This was brought home to me in reading about patience in a book, "Fruit of the Spirit" by John Sanderson. He says, "In essence our resentment is against the timetable which the sovereign God has assigned to us, a schedule based on a plan of which we are usually ignorant. It is this ignorance which brings about our frustration, the seeming senselessness of delay, loss, or failure. But this is the reason why impatience is such a noxious weed - it leaves God out of our thinking. It is another case of practical atheism.... practical atheism is a snub directed against God."

So what am I learning from this time of pain?

1. It is a strong reminder that God's ways are not my ways, but they are the best way. This seems to be a lesson that I am perpetually being brought back to and humbled by.
2. Frustration and unhappiness with God's ways leads to the weed of impatience which results in self-centeredness, a lack of trust and a lack of hope. I am humbled by how quickly I turned to myself instead of God.
3. God is a God of never ending mercy and compassion. He has and will forgive my lack of trust and he will use even this time of pain for his glory and for my good.

I am reminded of Martin Luther, who when he became discouraged and was under stress he said to himself, "I am a baptized man." This was his reminder to lift his eyes off of his difficulties to Christ! And so I say, “I am a baptized woman! Baptized into Christ and there I must focus my eyes.”

Wednesday, August 9, 2023

Abundant Blessings

I cannot let another day go by without hobbling to my computer and declaring the goodness of the Lord with the surgery results!

Shortly before surgery began a week ago, the surgeon showed my sons and myself the scan of the tumor as well as his own diagram. He made clear that he would likely not be able to perform the surgery by laparoscopy. He also informed us that the tumor appeared to be attached to the pancreas and he might have to remove a third of that as well as the spleen. If that should happen, it greatly increased the risks. He was hoping to remove the tumor intact, but that also was in question. With these last thoughts floating in my brain I committed it to the Lord and told the nurse anesthetist to shoot me up with Versed (anesthesia drug)!

When I came to in the recovery room I was told that not only was the surgeon able to complete the surgery by laparoscopy but he was also able to remove the tumor intact. I came to find out that the tumor had been attached to the pancreas and caused the surgery to be quite complex, but the surgeon was able to separate them without removing any of the pancreas!

So, though I could not recall where the Bible passage was at the time, my thoughts in the recovery room (and since), kept returning to how much more abundantly God had answered our prayers above what I had asked or even thought possible. Though I still have recovery to deal with and eventually the other cancer, this surgery was an answer beyond what I could have anticipated. For that I give God the glory! I am humbled by His goodness to me.

Thank Him with me!

Ephesians 3: 14-19

For this reason I kneel before the Fatherfrom whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen

Tuesday, August 1, 2023

Preparing for Death and Life

In all honesty, I am not sure whether preparing for death or life is more difficult, but I am sure that I (and all of us) need to prepare for both. At the moment I tend to think life as that is where the uncertainties lie. While death is an enemy that will one day be done away with, it does have a glorious end for the Christian. I think we should all prepare for that. Considering the possible outcomes of my surgery, that may be the easiest preparation. There is not the uncertainty for me that there is with what may be ahead with life.

Tomorrow I am scheduled to go in for major surgery to remove the large tumor on my adrenal gland. Humanly speaking the outcome depends on how I come through surgery, how intact the tumor is when they remove it and then (down the road) how the second cancer behaves or misbehaves and how quickly the sarcoma returns. I am so glad that I don’t have to depend on human predictions! Whatever the case may be I rest the results in the hands of the One who has loved me before the foundation of the world. As a dear friend emailed me, “We can take comfort knowing that the decisions we make medically do not extend or shorten our lives- they may affect the quality of our life but the time for our living will not be done until He accomplishes His purpose”

So, I have been preparing both to live and to die.

Death is an enemy and dying is hard! We were not created to die. As I prepare for death, I have confidence that the best is yet to come. I find hope and peace in these verses.

"But, as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him' – these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God" (1 Cor. 2:9 NRSV).

I know that my redeemer^[^c lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! Job 19: 25-27

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 15:54-57

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39

As I prepare to go on living I am confident that God will give me grace. Jeremiah Burrough in Jewel of Contentment quotes Luther in this comment,

‘The sea of God’s mercies should swallow up all our particular afflictions.’ Name any affliction that is upon you: there is a sea of mercy to swallow it up. If you pour a pailful of water on the floor of your house, it makes a great show, but if you throw it into the sea, there is no sign of it. So, afflictions considered in themselves, we think are very great, but let them be considered with the sea of God’s mercies we enjoy, and then they are not so much, they are nothing in comparison.

Amy Carmichael, who suffered greatly, wrote,

“Joy, not suffering, is eternal….joy is given; sorrow is lent….It is lent to us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father’s gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all tears from off all faces. (Isaiah 25:8)”

I ask prayer that the surgery would go well and that God might be pleased to bless me with more years to sing His praises on this earth. I especially ask you to pray with me that however much time I have on this earth that I will finish strong for God’s glory.

Tuesday, July 18, 2023

Control

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of resting my cancer’s return in the hands of God until I was told it might be 6 weeks before I could have the surgery to remove the tumor! I came home very frustrated and disappointed. After all I am a nurse and a former oncology nurse who has seen the scan of the large tumor resting (or maybe not resting :o) inside of me. Obviously I know when it should be removed! It took a night of struggle and being confronted with God’s good providence in having the email with the offer of a free cancer screening pop into my in-box to rethink my thoughts. If it had not been for the screening, I may not have known the cancer had returned.

Shortly after the night of struggling I was given a surgery date of August 2 which is much sooner than predicted. However today I went in for my pre-op scan and clearance. The scan shows an increase in size of the tumor as well as a new 2 cm lesion on the other kidney. Though disappointing, I am grateful to find that out before they opened me up. My oncologist is consulting with the tumor board and I will see her on Friday when we will make decisions on whether to proceed with surgery. It is very probable that I will not.

I was reminded of a comment my five year old granddaughter who was sitting on the couch quietly reading a couple of weeks ago while I was becoming increasingly frustrated with trying to get through to the right people at three different offices to coordinate appointments. From the couch, without ever raising her head, Mary Fiona sensing my frustration said, “Gramama, God is all-powerful and He is in control!” Then she continued with her book. God knew I needed to hear that at just that moment and I needed to be reminded of that after leaving the surgeon’s office and again today.

It was very humbling and convicting for me to realize that I was expressing unhappiness with God’s control and would have preferred mine. As an author I highly respect once said, we as Christians are often practical theists. How true! We say we believe in God and trust in Him, yet our actions so often belie that. Once again I am at peace, for I know He who notes the sparrow’s fall has me in the palm of His hand!

As the words of the old hymn say,

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just to take him at his word;

Just to rest upon his promise;

Just to know, thus saith the Lord.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!

How I've proved him o'er and o'er!

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

O for grace to trust him more.

He has indeed proven Himself to me, but “O for grace to trust him more!”

Please pray that I continue to rejoice in the Lord’s control as I know He makes no mistake! Pray for wisdom and clarity in decisions and especially that God would be glorified in all that I do for whatever days He gives me. To Him be the glory!

Tuesday, July 11, 2023

Providence

I met with the surgeon today to consult about removal of the adrenal tumor (PAL Present and Leaving - as I fondly call it). I really liked the surgeon, however, I will admit to frustration as it will probably be four to six weeks before he can do another CT scan and the surgery. I knew there could be a delay, but I was hopeful that it would be sooner. I have talked to his nurse about trying to fit me in sooner. I do believe God thinks I need a lesson in patience and waiting on His perfect timing!

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, but I have spent a great deal of time reading the Psalms, specific Bible passages and several devotionals. Since the beginning of the year I have listened to a very short daily devotional podcast with Pastor Sinclair Ferguson called Things Unseen (I highly recommend it). A couple of weeks ago the devotionals were focused on God’s providence which was a real timely blessing.

I do not understand God’s purposes in the cancer returning (or the delays), but I know that He has one and will fulfill it. John Flavel says that God’s providence is like Hebrew words which have to be read backwards to understand them. No matter what reasons I think God has allowed this my life, I can be assured that His providence is good and His purposes are not simply for me, but for the blessing of others as well. Pastor Ferguson uses the illustration of God painting on the canvas of our lives. He uses different shades and colors in each of us and at various times, but it is all used to polish our graces and bring us to the image of Jesus. All His providences, even this one, are worthwhile when it makes me into the image of His Son and brings Him glory.

So, please pray for me; that God would work His providence in and through me for His glory and to bless others. Also pray that He will cause me to remember His love that never fails and help me to respond in faith, hope and trust. Please be in prayer also that it might be His will to have the surgery date moved up.

Someone sent this quote to the blog. Think hard about that second sentence. It was a thought that has never occurred to me. May it encourage you as it did me.

“In the unlimitable round of His timeless existence we have never been absent from nor uncared for by Him.
The best proof that He will never cease to love us lies in that He never began.
What we are for Him and what He is for us belongs to the realm of eternal values.
Without this we are nothing, in it we have all.” Geerhardus Vos

Some passages that have greatly encouraged me recently:

Isaiah 46:3-4

“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
    all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
    and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Deuteronomy 33:26-27

“There is no one like the God of Jeshurun,
    who rides across the heavens to help you
    and on the clouds in his majesty.
The eternal God is your refuge,
    and underneath are the everlasting arms.

II Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 5: 3-5

Not only so, but we^[^c^] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

What the Heidelberg Catechism says about providence:

What do you understand by the providence of God?

God's providence is

his almighty and ever present power, 1

whereby, as with his hand, he still upholds

heaven and earth and all creatures, 2

and so governs them that

leaf and blade,

rain and drought,

fruitful and barren years,

food and drink,

health and sickness,

riches and poverty, 3

indeed, all things,

come to us not by chance 4

but by his fatherly hand. 5

· 1.Jer 23:23, 24; Acts 17:24-28.

· 2.Heb 1:3.

· 3.Jer 5:24; Acts 14:15-17; Jn 9:3; Prov 22:2.

· 4.Prov 16:33.

· 5.Mt 10:29

Wednesday, June 28, 2023

His grace is sufficient

Yesterday I had a biopsy of the adrenal mass. Though not a surprise to me, and definitely not to God, the results show a return of the sarcoma. God’s grace has been, and will be sufficient for me and His power will be made perfect in my weakness as the Apostle Paul well testifies to in II Corinthians 12.

The next step appears to be another trip to MD Anderson Hospital in Houston. My sarcoma is extremely rare and my oncologist would like me to go there for a consultation to see if they have any new recommendations. Any treatments they recommend (that I agree to) will be done here at home. Thank you for continued prayers.

I have contemplated many hymns today, but also the first question/answer of the Heidelberg Catechism. The answer to this question is truly my continuing comfort. May it be yours also!

What is your only comfort in life and death?

That I am not my own, ¹

but belong with body and soul,

both in life and in death, ²

to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ. ³

He has fully paid for all my sins

with his precious blood, ⁴

and has set me free

from all the power of the devil. ⁵

He also preserves me in such a way ⁶

that without the will of my heavenly Father

not a hair can fall from my head; ⁷

indeed, all things must work together

for my salvation. ⁸

Therefore, by his Holy Spirit

he also assures me

of eternal life ⁹

and makes me heartily willing and ready

from now on to live for him. ¹⁰

1.1 Cor 6:19, 20.

2.Rom 14:7-9.

3.1 Cor 3:23; Tit 2:14.

4.1 Pet 1:18, 19; 1 Jn 1:7; 2:2.

5.Jn 8:34-36; Heb 2:14, 15; 1 Jn 3:8.

6.Jn 6:39, 40; 10:27-30; 2 Thess 3:3; 1 Pet 1:5.

7.Mt 10:29-31; Lk 21:16-18.

8.Rom 8:28.

9.Rom 8:15, 16; 2

Saturday, June 17, 2023

Continuing Journey

It has been years since I have added to the blog of my cancer journey. God has been very gracious to me over those years. I was given three years to live by doctors specializing in my rare sarcoma back in 2010. Yet here I am today overwhelmed by God’s goodness and steadfast love! Though the cancer did return in 2013 I have not had a recurrence since and have lived to see twelve living grandchildren (and two awaiting me in heaven). I am truly blessed.

A cancer screening a few weeks ago indicated that the cancer may have returned. Further testing showed a mass above my left kidney on/or near the adrenal gland that is suspected to be a new primary tumor. The day I learned that I read in my daily devotions where Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.” How much less should I pray?

I am scheduled for a biopsy on the 27^th of this month. I covet prayer. I have peace whatever the results may be. I do ask that you pray God would grant wisdom for myself and the doctors through this process.

I have posted this prayer below previously, but am refreshed by it today.

Praying the Psalms Through Cancer

God is my refuge and my strength

A very present help in the time of trouble!

Though my body may fail me,

Though the cancer one day rise up against me,

Though pain should overwhelm me,

Yet He will never leave me or forsake me. (Psalm 46)

I will be still and know that He is God

He will be exalted among the nations

And He will be exalted even in me!

He is the LORD of Hosts,

He is the God of His people. (Psalm 46)

He will never leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

He surrounds me with His steadfast love.

Totally undeserved, it is abounding,

His mercy is great beyond all understanding.

It is inexhaustible. (Numbers 14)