He Rose, and So Shall I

A blood test last week showed a dramatic increase in just under two months of sarcoma tumor cells being released into my blood stream.  A scan has been ordered to see if there are any spots where radiation might be effective in relieving symptoms. While this news was disappointing,  I was grateful that it came on Easter  weekend.  What a great reminder that Jesus died and rose from the dead and is even now preparing a place in heaven for me!
My son Christopher in a Sunday school lesson Easter morning said this, "The cross and Resurrection change everything not only because of the redemption from individual sin made possible, but because the resurrection is Jesus’ triumph over death, the devil, and all the spiritual powers arrayed against God. All the power and fear of sin and death that entered the world in Adam's sin have been broken because of Jesus’ resurrection."  The Sting of death is gone. Christ is risen and death will be overthrown. Christ is risen! He reigns and so will I.

So many Good Friday and Easter hymns have special meaning for me this year. Here are a few verses that particularity struck me.

 

My prayer is the third verse of O Sacred Head, Now Wounded:

 

What language shall I borrow
To thank thee, dearest Friend
For this, thy dying sorrow
Thy pity without end?
Oh, make me thine forever
And should I fainting be
Lord, let me never, never
Outlive my love to thee

My joy is the third verse of What Wondrous Love Is This,

 

And when from death I'm free, I'll sing on, I'll sing on
And when from death I'm free, I'll sing on
And when from death I'm free, I'll sing and joyful be
And through eternity, I'll sing on, I'll sing on
And through eternity, I'll sing on

 

And so sing with me these words from  Lift Up, Lift Up Your Voices Now

 

Lift up, lift up your voices now;
The whole wide world rejoices now:
The Lord hath triumphed gloriously,
The Lord shall reign victoriously.

In vain with stone the cave they barred;
In vain the watch kept ward and guard:
Majestic from the spoiled tomb,
In pomp of triumph Christ is come.

He binds in chains the ancient foe;
A countless host he frees from woe,
And heav'n's high portal open flies,
For Christ has ris'n, and man shall rise.

And all he did, and all he bare,
He gives us as our own to share;
And hope and joy and peace begin,
For Christ has won, and man shall win.

O Victor, aid us in the fight,
And lead through death to realms of light:
We safely pass where thou hast trod;
In thee we die to rise to God.

Thy flock, from sin and death set free,
Glad alleluias raise to thee;
And ever with the heavenly host

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghos 

Tears

 A few weeks ago a blood test showed that the sarcoma, not surprisingly, is once again wrecking havoc in my body. I had a few weeks to consider it while waiting for a PET scan to determine where it has settled now. The scan did not pinpoint where it has popped up which is both good and bad.  We know it is there as the dna blood test was very elevated, but, at least, it is not wide spread. Until worsening symptoms arise and more scans are ordered, I wait and rejoice in each day I have.

 As I awaited the scan results I felt anew that there is a shadow that hangs close to me - the shadow of death. Even as I am reminded with great comfort, that the Shepherd walks with me through that Valley of the Shadow of Death - however long it is, I shed some tears. Tears in anticipating that the day is coming when I will not be able to be the influence that Lois in the Bible was to her grandson Timothy, to my own grandchildren; tears that one day I will not be able to care for my special need son; and mostly tears for the tears that I know family and friends will shed.

 Thinking on this over the last few weeks I decided to focus on tears in the Bible - a very enlightening study. It amazes me how many of God’s children cried out to Him with tears all seen and heard by Him. I don't doubt that likewise He knows and feels my tears. As Psalm 56:8 says in one of the most precious verses in the Bible to me, God bottles up our tears and writes them down in His book!

Even as I think of these tears that I have shed I am reminded of what Ephesians 1:4 says, that even before he made the world God loved me and chose me in Christ! I am overwhelmed when I consider that before God ever said "let there be light", before He ever made the world, before He ever made the mountains or the oceans or caused the sun to shine.... before all of that He knew and He loved me!  And what an awesome thought to think that this is the same God who in the person of Jesus wept at the death of his friend, Lazarus and at the tears of Lazarus’s sisters! “His cheeks were bedewed with tears such as those which drop from our eyes, and by those tears all knew what manner of love he had towards his chosen. Blessed be his name!” (Charles Spurgeon) This is the same Jesus who knows my tears and promises one day to wipe them away!

 Charles Spurgeon in a great sermon on Jesus weeping says, "Jesus was no unsuffering seraph, no cherub incapable of grief, but he was bone of our bone, and flesh of our flesh; and therefore "Jesus wept."  ‘Jesus wept’" to teach us how to baptize our prayers unto God in a wave of heart grief.” ... his sympathy lies not alone in words, not even wholly in deeds - it is more tender than these can be. Only his heart could express His tender sympathy, and then it was by tears - tears which were brought up like gold from the ore-bed of the heart, minted in the eyes, and then put in circulation as current coin of the merchant, each one bearing the King’s image and superscription.”

 “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!”  (Abraham Kyuper). What a great reminder that Christ cries “Mine” over everything in our lives: our pain, our cancer, our heath issues, our tears, our heart breaks, our struggles. Yes - our very life and death.

Perspective

 

Radiation for the thoracic lesion was completed today.  It has officially fried my esophagus (hopefully temporary) so I assume it has made an impact on the thoracic lesion (hopefully permanent). This week has put many things into perspective.  Ten years ago this week I came back from MDAnderson in a horribly bumpy ambulance ride to a rehab hospital in Tyler after surgery to remove a third of my femur.  The doctor wanted me there for six weeks, but Christmas was upon us and I had been told that I had a short time to live.  So not expecting to be here for another Christmas I insisted on going home to spend that last Christmas with my family.  God has richly blessed me to be here ten years later.

 

As I have gone for radiation treatments the last two weeks I have noticed many awaiting doctor visits or treatments in the waiting area who are so much worse than myself.  Some short of breath despite oxygen, some in wheelchairs with little hope of getting out, some obviously feeling more exhausted than I feel. That, and the memory of ten years ago helps me to view what is been going on with my cancer with a different perspective. I am reminded of how blessed I am. I could be in a much worse shape today, BUT I am not there yet. I am content to be where God has me at this moment.

 

I recently saw this Christmas hymn and love the words.  May it bless you this Christmas season.  Have a blessed Christmas and remember He whose birth we rejoice in.

 

I Cannot Tell by William Fullerton

 

I cannot tell why He, whom angels worship,
  Should set His love upon the sons of men,
Or why, as Shepherd, He should seek the wand’rers,
  To bring them back, they know not how or when.
But this I know, that He was born of Mary,
  When Bethl’hem’s manger was His only home,
And that He lived at Nazareth and labored,
  And so the Savior, Savior of the world, is come.

2

I cannot tell how silently He suffered,
  As with His peace He graced this place of tears,
Or how His heart upon the Cross was broken,
  The crown of pain to three and thirty years.
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted,
  And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
  For yet the Savior, Savior of the world, is here.

3

I cannot tell how He will win the nations,
  How He will claim His earthly heritage,
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
  Of east and west, of sinner and of sage.
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory,
  And He shall reap the harvest He has sown,
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendor
  When He the Savior, Savior of the world, is known.

4

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship,
  When, at His bidding, every storm is stilled,
Or who can say how great the jubilation
  When all the hearts of men with love are filled.
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture,
  And myriad, myriad human voices sing,
And earth to heaven, and heaven to earth, will answer:
  At last the Savior, Savior of the world, is King.

 

 

Thanksgiving

 

Next week (or possibly later this week) I start radiation for a metastatic lesion in my thoracic spine.  It was discovered after an increase in back pain and sciatica sent me in for scans. Today I consulted with the radiation doctor.  After “planning” tomorrow he will decide what kind of radiation, but it will be high dose likely daily for two weeks.

 

A month before Thanksgiving as I was awaiting testing and results of those tests I determined that I would focus daily on the many things I have to be thankful for.  The list is truly endless and I’m sure I would not reach its end in my lifetime.  However, here are some of the things I have found to particularly give thanks for:

 

I am thankful that I can be joyful because where I am now is where God has assigned me to be today.

 

I am incredibly thankful for family and friends who surround me with their prayers and love daily.

 

When I lay awake at night, I am thankful for the ability to pray for friends who have entrusted me to pray for them.

 

I am thankful that when I am tied to my recliner I can still enjoy reading.  I am also thankful that when I forget what I have read I can find new enjoyment in reading the same thing over!

 

The pain makes me thankful that I have it so much better than so many.

 

I am thankful that I do not have to be a crotchety old lady complaining about her lot in life (and hopefully will never be) but can find joy in the place God has chosen to put me.

 

I am thankful that sixty-eight years ago, God knew me in my Mother’s womb and has not let go of me since!

 

I am ever so thankful that because God is good, just, and wise, all the time and in ALL circumstances, I can know that this cancer is for my good and for God’s glory.

 

I am overwhelmed daily with thankfulness for the beauty and awesomeness of God’s creation and the lessons that teaches me. I am reminded of Tim Keesee’s encouragement in his book “A Day’s Journey: Stories of Hope and Death-Defying Joy” to think of the trillium wildflowers that paint the forest floor in spring time. The flowers remind us of their Creator __ and ours. They remind us that the Great Gardener purposed to give life, color, fragrance, and beauty even to wildflowers that may never be seen in their brief existence. If our God does that for flowers, He will surely be with His people, giving them His life and filling their days with the fragrance and beauty of His presence.

 

May you be thankful  with with me every day, all day!

The Weed in the Garden of My Heart

 As I testified to in my last blog, four weeks ago I was abundantly blessed with good results from the surgery to remove the tumor on my adrenal gland. God was gracious to give me a fairly good recovery. Then two weeks ago I was very suddenly struck with an excruciatingly severe pain behind two of the incisions whenever I moved even slightly. The pain landed me in the hospital for the weekend where a multitude of tests were run. I have an exceptionally good pain tolerance, but my description of the pain was that it felt like there was a scalpel that had been left inside during my surgery! For those three days I moved only with the assistance of one of my two sons (who hardly left my bedside) or my daughter and was doubled over in pain, breaking out in a cold sweat just to walk to the bathroom. Ruling out other causes I was sent home by the minions of doctors with the probable diagnosis of nerve pain which would take some time to heal. I am very sensitive to medication and the medication I was placed on has made me feel like a zombie most days.

Over the last week I have seen some very slow, but definite Improvement. Enough improvement to give me hope that there is light at the end of a very long tunnel. I must admit however, that despite being wonderful cared (and prayed) for by family, the church body, and friends, I allowed myself to become very frustrated, discouraged and consequently somewhat depressed at the persistency of the pain, the uncertainty of the diagnosis and thus the outcome, as well as the inability to return to normal function. For a month the surgery, and now the pain, has kept me from church and all other usual activities, something that has greatly distressed me. It has been a struggle to read, crochet or do otherwise profitable activity while sitting in my recliner (which is most of the day) due to the medication.

In my attempt to fix my eyes upon my LORD instead of myself the last few days (something I was convicted I needed to do), I was struck by the irony of a thought that I had in my blog about being prepared for death or life. I do believe I was prepared for death, however I was massively unprepared for the last 2 weeks of life! Things did not go as I had planned, and instead of trusting quietly in the providence of God I allowed the weed of impatience to crop up into the garden of my heart. This was brought home to me in reading about patience in a book, "Fruit of the Spirit" by John Sanderson. He says, "In essence our resentment is against the timetable which the sovereign God has assigned to us, a schedule based on a plan of which we are usually ignorant. It is this ignorance which brings about our frustration, the seeming senselessness of delay, loss, or failure. But this is the reason why impatience is such a noxious weed - it leaves God out of our thinking. It is another case of practical atheism.... practical atheism is a snub directed against God."

So what am I learning from this time of pain?

1. It is a strong reminder that God's ways are not my ways, but they are the best way. This seems to be a lesson that I am perpetually being brought back to and humbled by.
2. Frustration and unhappiness with God's ways leads to the weed of impatience which results in self-centeredness, a lack of trust and a lack of hope. I am humbled by how quickly I turned to myself instead of God.
3. God is a God of never ending mercy and compassion. He has and will forgive my lack of trust and he will use even this time of pain for his glory and for my good.

I am reminded of Martin Luther, who when he became discouraged and was under stress he said to himself, "I am a baptized man." This was his reminder to lift his eyes off of his difficulties to Christ!  And so I say, “I am a baptized woman!  Baptized into Christ and there I must focus my eyes.”

Abundant Blessings

 

I cannot let another day go by without hobbling to my computer and declaring the goodness of the Lord with the surgery results! 

 

Shortly before surgery began a week ago, the surgeon showed my sons and myself the scan of the tumor as well as his own diagram. He made clear that he would likely not be able to perform the surgery by laparoscopy. He also informed us that the tumor appeared to be attached to the pancreas and he might have to remove a third of that as well as the spleen.  If that should happen, it greatly increased the risks. He was hoping to remove the tumor intact, but that also was in question. With these last thoughts floating in my brain I committed it to the Lord and told the nurse anesthetist to shoot me up with Versed (anesthesia drug)!

 

When I came to in the recovery room I was told that not only was the surgeon able to complete the surgery by laparoscopy but he was also able to remove the tumor intact. I came to find out that the tumor had been attached to the pancreas and caused the surgery to be quite complex, but the surgeon was able to separate them without removing any of the pancreas!

 

So, though I could not recall where the Bible passage was at the time, my thoughts in the recovery room (and since), kept returning to how much more abundantly God had answered our prayers above what I had asked or even thought possible. Though I still have recovery to deal with and eventually the other cancer, this surgery was an answer beyond what I could have anticipated. For that I give God the glory! I am humbled by His goodness to me.

Thank Him with me! 

 Ephesians 3: 14-19

 For this reason I kneel before the Father from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen

 

Preparing for Death and Life

 

In all honesty, I am not sure whether preparing for death or life is more difficult, but I am sure that I (and all of us) need to prepare for both.  At the moment I tend to think life as that is where the uncertainties lie.  While death is an enemy that will one day be done away with, it does have a glorious end for the Christian.  I think we should all prepare for that.  Considering the possible outcomes of my surgery, that may be the easiest preparation. There is not the uncertainty for me that there is with what may be ahead with life.

 

Tomorrow I am scheduled to go in for major surgery to remove the large tumor on my adrenal gland.  Humanly speaking the outcome depends on how I come through surgery, how intact the tumor is when they remove it and then (down the road) how the second cancer behaves or misbehaves and how quickly the sarcoma returns.  I am so glad that I don’t have to depend on human predictions!  Whatever the case may be I rest the results in the hands of the One who has loved me before the foundation of the world.  As a dear friend emailed me, “We can take comfort knowing that the decisions we make medically do not extend or shorten our lives- they may affect the quality of our life but the time for our living will not be done until He accomplishes His purpose”

 

So, I have been preparing both to live and to die. 

 

Death is an enemy and dying is hard! We were not created to die. As I prepare for death, I have confidence that the best is yet to come. I find hope and peace in these verses.   

 

"But, as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him' – these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God" (1 Cor. 2:9 NRSV).

 

I know that my redeemer^[c lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another.  How my heart yearns within me! Job 19: 25-27

 

 

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

 “Where, O death, is your victory?  Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 15:54-57

 

 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39

 

 

As I prepare to go on living I am confident that God will give me grace. Jeremiah Burrough in   Jewel of Contentment quotes Luther in this comment,

 ‘The sea of God’s mercies should swallow up all our particular afflictions.’  Name any affliction that is upon you:  there is a sea of mercy to swallow it up.  If you pour a pailful of water on the floor of your house, it makes a great show, but if you throw it into the sea, there is no sign of it.  So, afflictions considered in themselves, we think are very great, but let them be considered with the sea of God’s mercies we enjoy, and then they are not so much, they are nothing in comparison.

 

Amy Carmichael, who suffered greatly, wrote,

“Joy, not suffering, is eternal….joy is given; sorrow is lent….It is lent to us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father’s gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all tears from off all faces. (Isaiah 25:8)”

 

 

I ask prayer that the surgery would go well and that God might be pleased to bless me with more years to sing His praises on this earth. I especially ask you to pray with me that however much time I have on this earth that I will finish strong for God’s glory.