Random Thoughts on Hospitalization

I am very grateful to God for successful surgery on the 9^th.    I have moved back from the Houston hospital to Tyler Rehab.  I will have to go home with home health care and home physical therapy for awhile, but hope to leave here in the next couple/few days.   I have made great progress in physical therapy and pray I continue to do so.

Sisters are wonderful!

Having a brace around the waist and leg is torture, but will not last forever.

It is easier being a nurse than a patient/nurse.  Being a patient/nurse does not make one a patient nurse!

Riding in an ambulance for four hours squashed on a stretcher with a brace that juts out two inches is not fun.

Ambulances do not have good shock absorbers.

Eating at a table with strangers in rehab is not the same as being surrounded by family or church friends.

Hospitals are made of red tape and the red tape often gets in the way of good patient care.

There are nurses and hospital staff who work for their checks and others that love what they do.  It shows!

There are people everywhere…staff and patients….who need a word of grace.

Even writing a verse on the white board or having a poem on the desk can make people think.  The Word will not return void.

Post op pain is not as bad as constant throbbing pre-op pain from cancer in the bone.

One never expects to be totally dependent on others.

Being dependent is a rough thing to do.

Being physically dependent on someone else for my basic needs has made me think how dependent we are on God every moment of every day physically and spiritually.

I sometimes resent being dependent spiritually as I do physically.

Resenting dependence on God is an insult to the Almighty.

It is easy to forget who is in control.

God has a plan and His is better than mine.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His way and not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandments of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. "  Job 23:10-12

"You words were found, and I ate them, and Your Word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts."
Jer. 15:16

My plan/His Plan

As I sit here in the huge hospital complex of MD Anderson, 6 days after major surgery to reconstruct my cancer-ridden femur, I have been contemplating how good God has been in bringing me through surgery with no complications.  The pain is tolerable, the staff caring and several humorous situations have been thrown in to make me laugh and/or sigh.  I am very grateful to have a sister who has taken time to come to Houston to cater to my every whim.   This would have been very difficult to manage without her.  I am incredibly thankful for my family and their love and support in so many ways, though it seems they are far too young to have to share this path.   I am also grateful, among many things for a wonderful church family who has blessed my family while I am gone.  In other answers to prayer requests which I made in the last blog, the children’s finals are done, Chris, Bethany and Tegan are off to California, and my Mother has been stable though she still struggles with her health issues.  God has been good!  I am “blessed” with a brace, invented by someone specializing in torture, around my hips and thigh that will need to be left on for six weeks!  This, along with my not using the left leg in months has made it very difficult to get from bed to chair and back…ok, doesn’t help that I was out of shape to begin with.  I do, however, see progress every day despite my impatience.   I hope to leave here mid week and be taken to  a rehab facility in Tyler to be closer to home as I will have to have more therapy to be able to do some more things myself.

My particular current prayer requests are that rehab will continue to be effective and speedy, that I will be spared from injury, that my family would continue to do well and my Mother improve in her health.

A good friend and her brother, both of whom I went to high school with, came to visit the other day.  It was such a joy!  My friend Betty, left me with a book called A Dying Man’s Regrets by Adolphe Monod which I have been enjoying.  I am sure some of you are asking what kind of a friend would leave a book with such a title for someone recuperating from major surgery, and some of you are wondering if I am severely depressed to read it!  Well, my friend, who knows me well, brought the perfect book to read.  We initially read it in high school and since we are all in the dying process at one stage or another, it is a good booklet to read anytime.  Since I am not up to lengthy blogging I will just pass on some snippets.

The author was a well know preacher in France who was struck by a severe terminal illness at the age of fifty-three.  His grave concern was that God was taking him before his work was finished.  Instead, God used him in greater ways through what he was able to share through his suffering.    He speaks of regretting having regulated his life by his own plans, even seemingly good ones, instead of focusing on the plan of God as it unfolds.  As he says, none of our plans will be successful unless they are part of God’s plan, for then God undertakes to guide us.   Jesus is the perfect One to imitate in following the Father’s plan as His only desire in life was to focus on that plan.  As our lives seek to be in harmony with the will of God, Man’s action then becomes divine action, and life becomes, as it were, divine life, throbbing in the heart of man, in which something is accomplished by the power of God.  We have no idea of what we might do if we were completely swallowed up in this perfect harmony with God;   if we sought no other will than His;  if every word of our mouth, every beat of our heart, every thought of our intellect, every movement of our body and of our spirit were drawn towards Him, to wait on Him with the spirit of Samuel: “Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth”.  There are some men—like Luther, Calvin, St. Paul, Moses—who have shown what a man can do when he seeks only the will of God.  Jesus Christ has done much more, because in Him alone was conformity to the will of God perfect.  The wonderful thing is that God does not demand more than we are capable of doing by His grace. 

So as Pastor Monod instructs, I will try to settle my impatience by realizing that even in the suffering that God has given me to go through now and by the hope of life eternal He is accomplishing His purposes.  I also will try to remember to commit my days and work into His hands knowing He will not take me from His work until He deems it done!

The Great Unknown

Tomorrow I go under the knife at MD Anderson, reporting in at 5:15am.  I had my pre-op work done this past Wednesday.  The scans they did then show the sarcoma is continuing to grow in the femur making the reconstruction even more vital before the bone breaks.  They reinforced that this is not curative and depending on where it shows up next, there may be more surgeries in the picture (their picture). There are many unknowns and uncertainties for me in this surgery,  but I am resting my confidence in God, to whom there are no uncertainties.  I know He has it all planned out and it will go according to His will.  I am very grateful that I am going into this with peace in my heart.

I am very blessed to have  many of you praying for me.  As I go through surgery and recovery, I would like  to ask prayer for some specific requests.

1.  That the surgery itself would go well without complication.

2.  That the pain would be controlled satisfactorily.

3.  That the rehab process would go well and that in the process my tendency to have my kneecaps dislocate would not be a hindrance to getting strength back in my legs.

4.  That I do not have to do in-patient rehab when my hospitalization in Houston is done.

5.  That I might have mobility restored to me.

6.  For sustaining grace for my family that are with me and those at home.  Rachel and David will have finals this week to add to their stress.  Chris, Bethany and Tegan will be leaving for California late in the week.  Jesse will remain at home.  Jason and Heather are coming to Houston for a couple of days along with my sister from Ohio.

7.  For peace, wellness and protection for Mother who has been fighting illness for several weeks.  At 96 health issues hit quickly and have worsening affects.

8.  That I might be a testimony to all those I come in contact with. 

Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

My heart trusted in Him and I am helped;

Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,

And with my song I will praise Him.

The Lord is my strength and He is the saving refuge of His anointed.

Save Your people, and bless Your inheritance;

Shepherd them also, and bear them up forever.

Thanksgiving

I absolutely love Thanksgiving day!  It is my favorite holiday of the year and this year is no exception.  Despite being on my scooter, with the help of my wonderful family I intend to put on a feast that will long be remembered.  I decided to list on my blog just a few of the many things that I am especially thankful for this year.

I am incredibly grateful for the many who read this blog and intercede before God's throne for me.  Though I have not met many of you, you have become precious to me.  I am thankful for the prayers I know you will be sending up as I have my surgery in Houston on December 9th.

I am so grateful to God  for the way He has proved in my life His promises to care for the fatherless  and widow.

I am thankful beyond measure for the wonderful family God has blessed me with:  for my eldest, Jesse, who loves and gives without question;  for Jason, who has a great heart of compassion and has held the family and house together for many years;   for Heather who has given of her love unconditionally since she has been part of our family;  for Christopher, who fills my life with laughter and joy and has given up of himself to look after the day-by-day needs of our household; for Bethany who has blessed our home with  her creativity and love;  for David who, with a great heart for God, is always ready to remind me of Whose hands I rest in;  for Rachel, who despite the trials in her young life, has grown into a beautiful, godly young lady expressing much of herself in her art;  for Ryan, a godly young man, who has blessed me by treasuring my daughter! I have five children and two daughters-in-law who are each unique in their personalities, but alike in their loving hearts, compassion and especially their love for the Lord.

I am thankful for a godly mother who has been a wonderful example to me, as well as a mentor and teacher  to many.  She is a wonderful blessing in our home.

I am so grateful that God has allowed me to live long enough to be a grandmother to Tegan and to the little one Heather carries.  I am grateful for the joy grandchildren have brought into my life.

I am grateful for my sister, brothers, their spouses, other family members and dear friends who have faithfully stood beside me on my journey with cancer, supporting me every step of the way.

I am thankful for my church family who have encouraged and supported me with prayers, notes, hugs, meals, financially and in so many other ways.  For a pastor and leaders of the church who have kept track of my needs to a young girl who gives me a hug most every Sunday!

As we feast, I am thankful that we are able to have such an outlay of food and that God has seen to our every need when so many go hungry.

I am thankful for coworkers who became my friends and supported me while at work and have kept up their friendship and love beyond the workplace.

Doctors, nurses and office staff have become such an integral part of my life the last few years, and I am grateful for the way they have looked after my medical needs.  I am particularly grateful for the ones here locally who have cared for me as a friend. 

I am grateful that God has blessed me with more time on this earth, grateful ahead of the fact for the way He intends to use the surgery in my life and that the results are in the Great Physician's hands!

I am surrounded by the wonderful beauty of God's creation, which reminds me of His care and power every day.  I am grateful for the ever changing sunsets, the multi-colored leaves, the roses in my front yard and the crickets that serenade me every day.  I could not begin to list the wonderful things I see and hear that so often go unnoticed.

I am so thankful that God has sustained me, and all of mine all these years, for without His work on holding our beings together, we would not have lived.

I am grateful beyond measure for the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.

I am grateful for the work of His Holy Spirit in my life, and His constant intercession for me.

 I am so thankful that even through the trials in this life, I can rest secure that I have a heavenly Father who is in control and who loves me with a love beyond all understanding.  I am so thankful for the steadfast mercy He has shown me and the peace that He has given me.

I am thankful that walking down this weary, painful path of cancer, that I am not alone.

Lastly, I am so thankful that, at the time of God's perfect choosing, I will leave this world and pass into my glorious home in Heaven where there will be no more pain, tears or suffering!

The poem below is meaningful to me as a "stitchery" person.  I intend to take it with me to the hospital when I have surgery to remind me of Who is in control.

Just A Weaver

by Benjamine Malachi Franklin

My life is but a weaving,

between my God and me,

I do not choose the colors,

He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes he weaveth sorrow,

and I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper,

and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,

and the shuttles cease to fly,

Will God unroll the canvas,

and explain the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful

in the skillful weaver's hand

As threads of gold and silver

in the pattern He has planned.

Perfect Peace

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." –John 14:27

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." –John 16:33

At the end of October I had a follow-up visit to the cancer center in Houston.  It was obvious from their scans that the chemotherapy had failed.  The options they gave for treatment were major surgery, some chemo pills or a Phase I clinical trial.  On return to my local oncologist to discuss my options I had a couple more scans done.  I had asked God for clarity in making decisions and was given that.  The scan I had here showed progression of the lesion in the femur bone and really no choice but to have surgery soon to avoid fracture.  This will not be a curative surgery (humanly speaking) but hopefully will prevent the bone from breaking and perhaps give me some better mobility.  I am hoping to get in to see a Dallas sarcoma surgeon as an option to having surgery in Houston.  Whichever center I choose, I need to have this done quickly due to the fragility of the bone as well as the practical issue of my insurance paying at 100% through December.

As I wait for details to be worked out and final decisions to be made, I'll admit to trepidation over the upcoming surgery. I have always dreaded this path, partly because, as a nurse, I know a little too much about what it involves.  There is also the fear of the unknown as far as the rehab process, end results and pain.  Also, like many people, I do not like the helpless feeling of being under anesthesia (rather ironic since in reality I am no more helpless there than in any other part of my life).  In thinking of my anxieties about surgery this week I have struggled with the concept of peace and done some reading on it.   I wanted to know just what is perfect peace,  is this peace to be obtained only in heaven and how do I attain this peace?

I found that in the Bible, peace is mentioned frequently.  There is the peace with God in salvation, the peace that is the opposite of war and the peace that we are to have with our neighbors and enemies.  Then there is the perfect peace that passes all understanding that is promised by Christ.  Just what is this peace?  I've come to think of it as the calmness of soul despite a life full of trouble. This is the peace that only comes from above.  One of my favorite authors, Arthur Pink, describes the elements of Christ's peace which He passes onto us  as an unshakeable confidence in the Divine providence, an unchanging trust in God, and an unparalleled meekness.   As Thomas Watson said,  It gives us songs in the night. It puts joy into our hearts when we are in the midst of sorest trouble. It turns our thorns into roses.  That is the peace that I have, and yet, still seek in its fullness.

It is also obvious that this peace  is not freedom from trials and troubles.  The secret of the Christian's joy, hope, peace, and strength is placed inside him by God Himself.  This peace is not manufactured by me, but is from the God who never fears and the God who never sleeps.  As R.J. Miller said, It is God's omnipotence which keeps us. It is God's Spirit who broods over the turbulent floods of life, and brings order out of chaos. It is God's Son who stands on the vessel, amid the wild storms, and compels them to become quiet and still at his feet. It is God's grace that enters into the believer's heart and abides there as a well of living water within, springing up into everlasting life. We cannot command our own spirit and compel it to be at rest, when sorrow or peril is on every side. God alone can keep us in peace. Nothing that is not infinite and eternal—can be a safe and secure hiding place for an immortal life.

As to whether this peace be attained on this earth,  I know it to be so, because God has promised it. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging! (Psalm 46)  Christ also promised it to His people before His death when He said He would leave His peace with us.  When I think of Christ promising this peace just before He faced the most horrific torture and death, I am humbled.  When I think of martyrs proving this peace can be attained on this earth, going to their death with their eyes lit up, praising God, I am convicted.  When I think of Abraham, Joseph, Job, Stephen and so many more who looked up instead of at their troubles, I am desirous to share their peace in its fullness.

As to how to obtain this peace, I have learned that the peace from above is not dependent on me, or it would fail.   So I seek to stay my mind on God.  I seek to look to Him alone as He is the Omnipotent One who has promised perfect peace.  "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27   I am not only promised peace, but it is my duty to have it, so I seek to follow Paul's admonition to "Be anxious for nothing. In everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God."  I seek to meditate on the Word, seek the Lord in prayer and look above.  I think on what Thomas Watson says, The life of Christian faith is not freed from pain—but out of the pain comes rich blessing. The crown of thorns must be worn by the Master's friends who follow him faithfully—but the thorns burst into sweet flowers as the light of heaven's morning touches them.

    "God has not promised

    Skies ever blue,

    Flower strewn pathways,

    Always for you.

    God has not promised

    Sun without rain,

    Joy without sorrow,

    Peace without pain.

    But God has promised

    Strength from above,

    Unfailing sympathy,

    And undying love."

From John McDuff:

"Amid all trials, however, it is the believer's consolation, that, despite of outer disquietudes, the true peace of Christ itself cannot be disturbed. The former are only like the surface-heavings of the ocean. That surface alone is fretted and ruffled. Go down into its unexplored depths, among its luscious wildernesses of sub-marine seaweed--its coral rocks and wondrous mosaic of pebble and sand, and all is peaceful and still. No rolling billow is heard there--no roaring breaker--no scream of storm-birds. So with the soul! In its lowest, truest depths, all is peace. The ship may be tossed, but its moorings are secure. In the same sentence in which the pressure of present corruption impels Paul to cry out, "O wretched man that I am;" he adds, "I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord." He bemoans the tossings of the frail bark in one breath--he remembers the strength and security of the anchor in the next.

The believer's subjective peace, the calm assurance or consciousness of his interest in Christ, may be often assailed. But the peace itself cannot be. The clouds, engendered by sin and weakness and unbelief, may at times obscure from his vision the rays of the Sun. But the Sun, notwithstanding, shines brightly as ever. Once that peace is his, he knows it never can be finally forfeited. The flowing of the spiritual river may be impeded; there may be opposing rocks which here and there disturb the even course of its current--but it will surmount them all, and mingle its waters at last in the ocean of eternal peace and love in heaven....

Speed, then, your flight, O weary wanderer, to the true Ark. The true Noah, the "Rest," the Peace-giver, invites you within. Seize the olive-branch, and wing your way across the stormy waters. The bough on which your earthly nest was built, may have been felled by the axe or broken by the storm; but "He is our peace." And as driven by the windy tempest your cry is, "O Lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world, grant me Your peace!"--O Rock of Ages, cleft and smitten for me, grant me Your shelter!

May it be yours to listen to the glad response, "My peace I give unto you"--"Though you have lived among the pots, yet shall you be as the wings of a dove covered with silver, and her feathers with yellow gold."