In His Hands

And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and among the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou?  Daniel 4:35

This past week I saw my local oncologist and received the results of my most recent follow-up scans.   The scan of my lungs showed no cancer!  The scan of the lower left leg shows a continued 6 mm mass that is presumed to be the sarcoma.  I expected that as I have felt the nodule on the side of the radiated leg and had more swelling in it for a couple of weeks.   The good news is that it appears to be the same size as it was when first seen on scans six months ago.  Not as good is the fact that I can now palpate it.  Because it is on the radiated leg and I have had very serious healing problems when even a biopsy is done there, we made the decision to do repeat scans in three months unless it appears to be growing more rapidly before then.  At the point it is confirmed to be aggressively growing again (there or elsewhere) I hope to pursue a new immunotherapy treatment that has shown some very promising results at stalling the growth of several types of cancer with few side effects.  There is apparently no good way of ascertaining spread in the hip area where I had surgery last due to the rod causing artifact on scans.  While I do have some pain there, it is hopefully what is expected considering all the exercise I am doing to strengthen my leg muscles.  Overall, my strength is increasing every day and I feel better than I have in years!  For that I give God the praise!

What is most amazing is that I have complete peace despite the uncertainty of the results.  Even in my trying to rememorize Romans 8 this past week, I am reminded that I am chosen to be a child of God and as such am the recipient of His incomprehensible love, mercy and forgiveness.  I cannot imagine not being at peace when I keep my eyes fixed on the fact that my God has immeasurable power, is sovereign over all things, and has abounding grace and mercy.  I revel in the knowledge that the same God who has the nations in His hands also has control over the duplication of cancer cells in my body and know there is no better place to rest.  The days behind are gone, never to be relived.  He has granted me today and perhaps more tomorrows!  For that I give Him the glory and aim and hope to please Him in my use of each of them.

Thy mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; and thy faithfulness reacheth unto the clouds.  Thy righteousness is like the great mountains; thy judgments are a great deep: O Lord, thou preservest man and beast.   How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.   They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of thy house; and thou shalt make them drink of the river of thy pleasures.  For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light.  O continue thy lovingkindness unto them that know thee; and thy righteousness to the upright in heart.   Let not the foot of pride come against me, and let not the hand of the wicked remove me.  There are the workers of iniquity fallen: they are cast down, and shall not be able to rise.  Psalm 36: 5-9

A Story of Self or My Autobiography

Recently I was editing a story I wrote about my special needs son, Jesse, for a blog a friend has put together (http://specialneedsspeciallove.com/) on the joys and struggles of raising special needs children.   It got me to thinking of how the story of my life would read, which in turn led me to thinking on the stories of the lives of saints in the Bible.  Most of the stories I thought of were quite different from what we would think of as a biography.  In fact all the stories were about much more than the individual.  I mused on the fact that the short story of our lives  is not even about us.  While I am a very vital character, I am not a primary character.  The story of my life intertwines with the story of the lives of many others, but most  importantly with the One who the story is about - God himself and the redemption of His people.

I've said it before, but one of my favorite stories in the Bible is that of Joseph.  It is amazing to read of his life with brothers who hated him, being sold as a slave, thrown into prison by a conniving spurned woman and being forgotten for years while there.   Joseph was definitely a man of faith, but his story is not even about that.  It is about how God used (and brought about) all of the snippets of his life to save His people from starvation, something Joseph was unaware of until near the end.   Even more than that it is just one small segment of the story of God's redemption.

There are other very interesting things individuals did in the Bible.  There was Noah building an ark on dry land to the amusement of his neighbors.  The apostle John was clothed in a loin cloth eating locusts and wild honey.  There were Daniel and his friends being thrown into a fiery furnace.   Esther became the queen of a pagan king.  Then there was Isaiah, who was called by God to be naked and barefoot for three years!  (I can just see the possible conversation with God, "Wouldn't my brother be better suited to this job?")  What about Hosea who was told to marry a prostitute?   Thinking on these stories reminds me why I object to so many Bible story books today:  they tend to focus on the interesting story without showing how it relates to the BIG story that it is a part of.   All of those stories are about far more than the individual characters and when I fail to see that I am missing the vital essence of the story.

As I think of my story, I know I tend to wrongly focus to a large degree on MY cancer when that is really a very small part of my life.  It is so reassuring to make note of biblical characters lives, see how they intertwine with the BIG story and be reminded that my story is about the Bride of Christ and how this one insignificant individual fits perfectly into the plan that God has for His Bride, the church.  As I face my follow-up scans before too long, it is a wonderful thought that my life with all its snippets is part of something much bigger - the story of redemption.  I don't need, nor do I want my independence, because as Paul Tripp in A Shelter in the time of Storm, says, "I was carefully designed by the Creator to live in a dependent, obedient, and worshipful relationship with him and in humble, interdependent relationships with other human beings.  The quest for independence is not simply a spiritual mistake;  it's a fundamental denial of my humanity." 

Paying Forward

"Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy."  Matthew 5:7

The concept of "paying forward" seems to becoming more and more popular lately.  As best as I can understand, it is the idea of someone doing a good deed to you which  you then "pay forward" by doing a good deed for someone else.  I've read examples of it such as someone paying a toll for the person behind them at the toll booth.  Another of  buying someone behind you a meal when in line at a fast food restaurant.  Perhaps the most touching was seen recently in a video that went viral of a little boy finding a twenty dollar bill in a restaurant parking lot and giving it to a soldier inside with a note about his soldier father who died when he was an infant and "paying forward" by giving the man the bill.   In many ways this is a cool way of showing love for others, but it certainly shouldn't be the main reason why we give.

I've been thinking a great deal about giving lately as I've been experiencing a great deal of it.  With my daughter's wedding fast approaching, she and I have had several recent discussions about how  many have blessed us over the last few years and continue to do so.    Many things in her wedding are gifts from someone.   Because of scholarships her last two years of college were paid for.    When my husband was dying from his cancer, friends and family gave and gave.   Since then, and all through my cancer treatments, friends rallied around providing in more ways than I could have dreamed of.   I don't think most of this giving had anything to do with what these people had been given, but was simply out of love and care.

While I like the concept of paying forward, for the Christian I think it is more giving back or "paying forward" just a bit of what God has given to us.  We take for granted so many of the blessings He gives us each and every day.  Because of that, we tend to not give back to others out of the showers of blessings He gives to us.  My prayer is that I will be more aware of where and how I need to give to others, remembering, not primarily what others have given me, but mostly that all I have is given to me to use for His glory.  John Calvin in the "Golden Booklet of the True Christian Life," says You cannot imagine a more certain rule or a more powerful suggestion than this, that all the blessings we enjoy are divine deposits which we have received on this condition that we distribute them to others.