As I testified to in my last blog, four weeks ago I was abundantly blessed with good results from the surgery to remove the tumor on my adrenal gland. God was gracious to give me a fairly good recovery. Then two weeks ago I was very suddenly struck with an excruciatingly severe pain behind two of the incisions whenever I moved even slightly. The pain landed me in the hospital for the weekend where a multitude of tests were run. I have an exceptionally good pain tolerance, but my description of the pain was that it felt like there was a scalpel that had been left inside during my surgery! For those three days I moved only with the assistance of one of my two sons (who hardly left my bedside) or my daughter and was doubled over in pain, breaking out in a cold sweat just to walk to the bathroom. Ruling out other causes I was sent home by the minions of doctors with the probable diagnosis of nerve pain which would take some time to heal. I am very sensitive to medication and the medication I was placed on has made me feel like a zombie most days.
Over the last week I have seen some very slow,
but definite Improvement. Enough improvement to give me hope that there is
light at the end of a very long tunnel. I must admit however, that despite
being wonderful cared (and prayed) for by family, the church body, and friends,
I allowed myself to become very frustrated, discouraged and consequently
somewhat depressed at the persistency of the pain, the uncertainty of the
diagnosis and thus the outcome, as well as the inability to return to normal
function. For a month the surgery, and now the pain, has kept me from church
and all other usual activities, something that has greatly distressed me. It
has been a struggle to read, crochet or do otherwise profitable activity while
sitting in my recliner (which is most of the day) due to the medication.
In my attempt to fix my eyes upon my LORD
instead of myself the last few days (something I was convicted I needed to do),
I was struck by the irony of a thought that I had in my blog about being
prepared for death or life. I do believe I was prepared for death, however I
was massively unprepared for the last 2 weeks of life! Things did not go as I
had planned, and instead of trusting quietly in the providence of God I allowed
the weed of impatience to crop up into the garden of my heart. This was brought
home to me in reading about patience in a book, "Fruit of the Spirit"
by John Sanderson. He says, "In essence our resentment is against the
timetable which the sovereign God has assigned to us, a schedule based on a
plan of which we are usually ignorant. It is this ignorance which brings
about our frustration, the seeming senselessness of delay, loss, or failure.
But this is the reason why impatience is such a noxious weed - it leaves God
out of our thinking. It is another case of practical atheism.... practical
atheism is a snub directed against God."
So what am I learning from this time of pain?
1. It is a strong reminder that God's ways are
not my ways, but they are the best way. This seems to be a lesson that I am
perpetually being brought back to and humbled by.
2. Frustration and unhappiness with God's ways
leads to the weed of impatience which results in self-centeredness, a lack of
trust and a lack of hope. I am humbled by how quickly I turned to myself
instead of God.
3. God is a God of never ending mercy and
compassion. He has and will forgive my lack of trust and he will use even this
time of pain for his glory and for my good.
I am reminded of Martin Luther, who when he
became discouraged and was under stress he said to himself, "I am a
baptized man." This was his reminder to lift his eyes off of his
difficulties to Christ! And so I say, “I am a baptized woman! Baptized into Christ and there I must focus
my eyes.”
