Control

 

Control

 

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of resting my cancer’s return in the hands of God until I was told it might be 6 weeks before I could have the surgery to remove the tumor!  I came home very frustrated and disappointed.  After all I am a nurse and a former oncology nurse who has seen the scan of the large tumor resting (or maybe not resting :o) inside of me.  Obviously I know when it should be removed!  It took a night of struggle and being confronted with God’s good providence in having the email with the offer of a free cancer screening pop into my in-box to rethink my thoughts.  If it had not been for the screening, I may not have known the cancer had returned.

 

Shortly after the night of struggling I was given a surgery date of August 2 which is much sooner than predicted.  However today I went in for my pre-op scan and clearance.  The scan shows an increase in size of the tumor as well as a new 2 cm lesion on the other kidney.  Though disappointing, I am grateful to find that out before they opened me up.  My oncologist is consulting with the tumor board and I will see her on Friday when we will make decisions on whether to proceed with surgery.  It is very probable that I will not. 

 

I was reminded of a comment my five year old granddaughter who was sitting on the couch  quietly reading a couple of weeks ago while I was becoming increasingly frustrated with trying to get through to the right people at three different offices to coordinate appointments.  From the couch, without ever raising her head, Mary Fiona sensing my frustration said, “Gramama, God is all-powerful and He is in control!”  Then she continued with her book.  God knew I needed to hear that at just that moment and I needed to be reminded of that after leaving the surgeon’s office and again today.

 

It was very humbling and convicting for me to realize that I was expressing unhappiness with God’s control and would have preferred mine.  As an author I highly respect once said, we as Christians are often practical theists.  How true!  We say we believe in God and trust in Him, yet our actions so often belie that.  Once again I am at peace, for I know He who notes the sparrow’s fall has me in the palm of His hand!

 

As the words of the old hymn say,

             'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

            Just to take him at his word;

            Just to rest upon his promise;

            Just to know, thus saith the Lord.

 

            Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!

            How I've proved him o'er and o'er!

            Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

            O for grace to trust him more.

 

He has indeed proven Himself to me, but “O for grace to trust him more!”

 Please pray that I continue to rejoice in the Lord’s control as I know He makes no mistake!  Pray for wisdom and clarity in decisions and especially that God would be glorified in all that I do for whatever days He gives me.  To Him be the glory!

 

 

 

 

Providence

 

Providence

 

I met with the surgeon today to consult about removal of the adrenal tumor (PAL Present and Leaving - as I fondly call it).  I really liked the surgeon, however, I will admit to frustration as it will probably be four to six weeks before he can do another CT scan and the surgery.  I knew there could be a delay, but I was hopeful that it would be sooner.  I have talked to his nurse about trying to fit me in sooner.  I do believe God thinks I need a lesson in patience and waiting on His perfect timing!

 

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, but I have spent a great deal of time reading the Psalms, specific Bible passages and several devotionals.  Since the beginning of the year I have listened to a very short daily devotional podcast with Pastor Sinclair Ferguson called Things Unseen (I highly recommend it).  A couple of weeks ago the devotionals were focused on God’s providence which was a real timely blessing.

 

I do not understand God’s purposes in the cancer returning (or the delays), but I know that He has one and will fulfill it.  John Flavel says that God’s providence is like Hebrew words which have to be read backwards to understand them.  No matter what reasons I think God has allowed this my life, I can be assured that His providence is good and His purposes are not simply for me, but for the blessing of others as well. Pastor Ferguson uses the illustration of God painting on the canvas of our lives.  He uses different shades and colors in each of us and at various times, but it is all used to polish our graces and bring us to the image of Jesus.  All His providences, even this one, are worthwhile when it makes me into the image of His Son and brings Him glory.

 

So, please pray for me; that God would work His providence in and through me for His glory and to bless others. Also pray that He will cause me to remember His love that never fails and help me to respond in faith, hope and trust.  Please be in prayer also that it might be His will to have the surgery date moved up.

 

Someone sent this quote to the blog.  Think hard about that second sentence. It was a thought that has never occurred to me.  May it encourage you as it did me.

 

“In the unlimitable round of His timeless existence we have never been absent from nor uncared for by Him.
The best proof that He will never cease to love us lies in that He never began.
What we are for Him and what He is for us belongs to the realm of eternal values.
Without this we are nothing, in it we have all.” Geerhardus Vos

 

Some passages that have greatly encouraged me recently:

 

Isaiah 46:3-4

“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
    all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
    and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

 

Deuteronomy 33:26-27

“There is no one like the God of Jeshurun,
    who rides across the heavens to help you
    and on the clouds in his majesty.
 The eternal God is your refuge,
    and underneath are the everlasting arms.

 

II Corinthians 4:16-18

 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

 

Romans 8:38-39

 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

Romans 5: 3-5

 Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

What the Heidelberg Catechism says about providence:

Q.	What do you understand by the providence of God?
A.	God's providence is his almighty and ever present power, 1 whereby, as with his hand, he still upholds heaven and earth and all creatures, 2 and so governs them that leaf and blade, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, food and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, 3 indeed, all things, come to us not by chance 4 but by his fatherly hand. 5
	·         1.Jer 23:23, 24; Acts 17:24-28. ·         2.Heb 1:3. ·         3.Jer 5:24; Acts 14:15-17; Jn 9:3; Prov 22:2. ·         4.Prov 16:33. ·         5.Mt 10:29