Several months ago I
developed severe pain shooting down my right leg. The pain became constant and so severe that I
was convinced the sarcoma had returned. Subsequent scans showed a slipped disc in
my low back. What the scans did not show
was a return of the cancer! What a
relief that was! It caused me to stop
and think, however, how much of life with cancer is waiting; whether waiting
for its return or waiting for a year to go by without it's return. There are days since that I have little pain
and days when I have severe pain. Despite
not living in fear of the sarcoma, every pain becomes a question: is this just
the normal ache and pain of a rapidly getting older body or is it a return of
the cancer? Statistics predicting it
will be back add to the constant feeling of waiting.
Lately as I have contemplated my journey with cancer as
well as other hardships over the years in my life, I have thought of an analogy
that, while definitely not perfect, has something to say about where I am
today. In a certain sense I think we as
Christians are like a person in a barrel floating on the ocean of life. Each person's barrel is different as the
sides and bottom are the circumstances specifically ordained by God to mold each
into the likeness of Christ. We fit
tightly in the barrel and often the sides pushing in on us are difficult to
bear. Those sides change over time as
God grows us and brings new circumstances our way.
If we choose to attempt to chip away at the inside of
the barrel we run the risk of making a hole in which the ocean waters threaten
to come in and overwhelm us. If we
attempt to escape the barrel we find ourselves floundering in the ocean
waves. If we focus on the sides of the barrel,
we will become despondent. Our only hope
is to look up through the top of the barrel and see the almighty hand of the
One who has ordained everything that happens in our life. Our joy is to know that His purpose is to
perfect us, and that He never fails to accomplish His purpose. Our comfort is found in knowing that these hardships
and difficulties are not obstacles but instruments in God's hands.
My faith is being tested by this time of waiting. I take hope in the fact that God's providence
is not tested, but simply and wonderfully IS.
His providence is as an unmoving rock.
Tested is my faith to wait with absolute assurance that He will do only
that which is good for His people and glorifying to Him. It is rather ironic as all of us are in a
waiting pattern, no one any less or more than myself, because we do not know
the plans God has for us. Cancer simply
seems to make it more visible. I've come
to realize that the real focus should be, what will I do in this period of
waiting.
As I Peter 1 (quoted below) indicates, these trials
(even the trial of waiting) are to test the genuineness of my faith and to
purify it to the praise, glory and honor of Christ! I'm told in Scripture to wait on the Lord and
see that He is good. As I wait I am
convinced that the most blessed joy in my relationship with God has been, and is,
grown in the soil of my deepest trials and struggles. I have come to understand that these trials
are instruments in God's hands and an opportunity to experience more of God's
grace and spread it to those around me.
I am learning to stop focusing on the wait for the return of the cancer
and instead wait with joyful expectation to see how God will work out these
trials in my life.
I Peter 1: 3-9
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus
Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a
living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an
inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for
you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready
to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little
while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the
tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though
it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at
the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him.
Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is
inexpressible and filled with glory,
obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of
your souls.
From a letter from the
late Pastor Jack Miller in discussing our focus in life,
...there is nothing that can clear the vision faster
than the discovery that all things are temporary and so am I. So what I do with my life should center on
working with matters that will remain unshaken at the return of the Lord
Jesus. Get a good view of the
temporariness of life and - believe it or not- you will enjoy it more. When we get our footsies so mired down in
time that we think it is eternal, we become subject to all the ups and downs,
the vagaries, of time. Our loves are so
easily disturbed because we are loving only what is changing and finally will
be replaced altogether. But to see this
temporariness of many of our dreams
isn't bad. We cannot remain adolescents
forever. God's will is for us to become
adults, and the heart of being an adult is the capacity to put away the toys
and put on the love and joy and peace of Christ. The mind of Christ brings such quietness
where otherwise the life would be ruled by discontent and all kinds of defenses
and ambitions.
But
then Christ gives the surrendered Christian good dreams, beautiful visions of
His glory working in lives, and gives us a simple trust that He will grant us
the deepest desires of our hearts.
(C. John Miller The Heart of a Servant)
