Bitterness and The Baby

Heb. 12:  15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled...

Eph. 4: 15 -16, 31 - 32 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,  from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

As I wrote this, waiting for my visit to MD Anderson, I had been thinking a great deal about choices I have in dealing with a bad prognosis, if that is what I should face.  I could become bitter as so often in life we become bitter over the place we are given.  I have definitely been there in the past.  When I was young I just knew that God wanted me to be a missionary's wife and a nurse.  Obviously that is not what I became.  For years, as I struggled in my  "ordinary" role, I fought bitterness and  envy as I "knew" I could be doing great things for God on the mission field.  It took me years to realize that God had given me my own mission field with my husband, family and work right where I was.  Through eleven years of infertility I once again allowed the root of bitterness to take hold as I begged God to allow me to become a mother.  I allowed bitterness to creep in when I had to continue working instead of being a stay-at-home mom.   I am embarrassed when I think back to how often the root of bitterness crept into my life and how it took literally years to even understand that it was bitterness, was my sin, was wasting my God-given time and needed to be repented of.  I will always remember my pastor in giving marital counseling to my husband and I, kindly telling me that I was "gunnysacking."  What a shock it was to me to realize that I (as I think many women especially are prone to do) was carrying my imaginary bag on my back full of my husband's wrongs against me.  He dealt with issues by getting angry and it was over;  I would shut up and throw it in my sack to pull out at a later date.

I share my humbling admissions because I've been thinking a great deal lately about how easy it is to let resentment build up in our lives until it eats away at our insides.  All the while we so often don't see it for what it is for years and sometimes a lifetime.  I have watched in friends as this bitterness destroyed marriages and homes.  I have watched it tear apart a church, split up families and ruin friendships.  I have watched it used as an excuse to escape into other sins such as drugs, adultery and alcohol.  I have seen grown adults still holding onto what they consider a wrongdoing in their childhood and using it as an excuse for their failures as an adult.  I've had friends who went into severe depression because they could not understand the "unfairness" of their health problems, marriage problems or financial problems. Personally, I think bitterness is at the root of many other sins, only it is harder to recognize.  With myself, I went years before I even understand stood that bitterness was eating at my soul.

Bitterness is something that creeps in and can reside for years with a person unaware that it is tearing at their being.  It seems that at the root of this bitterness is usually either our resentment of where God has put us in life and comparing it to others, or a perceived (or real) sin committed against us.  It would be easy for me to resent the place my siblings have attained in their lives compared to mine.  It would be easy for me to envy my healthy friends who are not fighting cancer.   It would be easy to resent those who are more financially secure.  It would be easy, but it would also be very detrimental to my soul's well being.  When I think of the years that I wasted on bitterness, not even knowing that is what it was, I am saddened.  I have prayed God would always make me aware if that sets in again before the root takes off and grows.

As I sit holding my beautiful little granddaughter, Tegan, I am reminded that there is another way to face a bad prognosis.  I am awed by the perfection with which she is put together.  Her tiny little fingers and toes, her hearing that makes her turn her head when she hears her Mom or Dad, her beautiful eyes roaming the room, not to mention the way her body functions as a whole.  It reminds me of

I Corinthians chapter 12 where it talks of us all being part of one body as Christians and all essential despite what our function is.  No part is less important than another.  I know this primarily refers to the gifts God gives us, but I think it can also apply to where God has put us in life.  Just as God did not want me to be a professor or scientist such as some of my siblings, God did not determine that I should be left with a healthy body for my entire life.  The plan He had and has for me is perfect.  The part of the body of Christ that I am is no less important than any other in God's eyes. I've experienced enough bitterness in my own life and wasted enough years on it that I ask God to protect me against it now. 

I am back from the Houston cancer center and despite a comedy of errors was able to get most tests done and see the doctor.  We are waiting on the radiologist reading of the two scans  I had there, but from looking at them himself, that oncologist sees no improvement, but no definitive worsening except for one enlarged lymph gland which may or may not be related.  His recommendation is still surgery or, as an option some chemo pills that are being used in a study.  He definitely feels I should not keep up the chemo I was doing due to some neurological problems I was, and am, having.  Today I called my local oncologist, who is a godsend.  In two minutes she determined that we need to do another PET scan as the last one showed possible spread to the iliac bone and as it should show if the lymph node that is enlarged is related.  This would make a tremendous impact on decisions that I have to make so I am very grateful.

I am so thankful for the many who read this and take it to the Lord in prayer.  I have seen the answers as the prayers, as incense, go up to Him!  He hears and He will continue to give wisdom and bring glory to His name.  In the meantime,  I will be satisfied with the place He has placed me in and leave any bitterness behind!

Your present trial (from Grace Gems -(James Smith, "Comfort for Christians!")

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose!" Romans 8:28

All things? Yes! Everything that happens to the Christian is directed and overruled by God's special Providence for his good! The experience may be very bitter--it may lay him very low and try him to the core; it may keep him in the dust for a long time. But it will do him good--not only in the end, but while it lasts.

Believer, your present trial is for your good. Nothing could be better for you! You may not see it now; you may even feel as if you never could think so--but the time is coming when you will bless God for it.

You love God--and God loves you with an infinite and eternal love. You came to the cross as a poor sinner--and you looked to the Lord Jesus to be your perfect Savior. This proves that you have been called according to God's purpose. You are one of God's beloved ones, and as such--you may have the assurance that all things . . .

  light and darkness,

  health and sickness,

  hatred and love,

  prosperity and adversity,

  life and death--

will work together for your good!

Dark clouds bring rich blessings--and sharp winters introduce fruitful springs. Even so, sore troubles often precede the sweetest consolations. Your present affliction--whether it is . . .

  sickness of body,

  trouble of mind,

  bereavements,

  losses,

  crosses, or

  whatever else

--is working for your good. It will work for good in the future, and it is working for good now. While your heart is bleeding, and you are tempted to think that all is against you--all is working together for your good!

Dear Lord, I do not see how my affliction can be good for me. But help me, Lord, to accept it as such by faith--so that I may receive what You have for me through it.

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope!" Romans 5:3-4

Providence

When the light of divine providence has once shone upon a godly man, he is then relieved and set free not only from the extreme anxiety and fear that were pressing him before, but from every care.  John Calvin

We believe in the providence of God, but we do not believe half enough in it.  Charles Spurgeon

I love the second quote by Charles Spurgeon!  It seems that it is in times of trial, or after, that we see God's providence most clearly.  That certainly has been true in my case.  As I thought over my last blog, I thought how sad it is that it took me so many years and so many God-ordained trials to be at peace with the knowledge that God would supply my every need and that He was using those trials for my growth as well as the perfecting of the body of Christ.  It is sad that I spent so many years looking at my trials only from my "self" perspective.  I saw my financial problems, my health problems, difficulties in my marriage and so many other difficulties as  trials put upon me for no purpose.   What a sin against God Almighty to not see that all the trials were from His hand, even though I could not see their reason.   I have recently been re-reading The Mystery of Providence by a Puritan, John Flavel.  It is not a fast read, which is probably good as it makes me read things several times.  There is  much wonderful reflection in this book on God's providence and I highly recommend it.

One of my favorite Bible characters is Joseph and he is always first in my mind when I think of providence.  Every time I read the story I am struck by more ways that providence was at work in and through his life.  I imagine that Joseph's perspective was much different than what we see when we are able to look back on the whole story from God's perspective.  Everything from his brothers hatred, his dreams,  the decision to sell him instead of kill him, the lusting of Potiphar's wife, his being forgotten in prison and so much more was all in God's magnificent plan, not only for Joseph's good, but especially for that of His people.  Joseph went through many years of being treated "unfairly" while he was doing his best to honor God.  As far as we know he did not know of God's plan until many many years into his life when his brothers came back to get food from him.  God used every bit of Joseph's life to save His people from certain death.

Esther is another who strikes me as a great example of God's providence:  from the banishing of Queen Vashti by the king, the recommendation of those around him to bring forth virgins to choose from for a new queen, to Mordecai's decision to have Esther join the pageant and hide her background. We don't know what was going through Esther's mind as she became queen and strove to honor God despite the risk to her own life.  Not only was Esther saved through her actions, but so were the people of God.

So many others in the Bible, in fact, I daresay all the stories of individuals, in some way portray God's providence.  There are Abraham and Sarah, Isaac, Ruth, Job and Paul who, when you read their stories closely you will see God's hand at work not only in preserving them but using them and their trials for the growth of His kingdom.  It makes an interesting study to look at the stories of individuals in the Bible in view of God's kingdom.  In fact, though theologian I am not, I think perhaps we do a disservice when we look at stories of individuals in the Bible as only that of the individuals. I fear we have become a church that sees itself predominantly as individuals and not as a body.  The Bible is the story of God's kingdom.  Just as that is true, it is true that the trials in our lives are not just about our lives, but about God's work in the Church.  We may never see how our trials are being used, but it is important to know that they involve much more than just ourselves.  Whether it is cancer or another health problem, disability, death of a child or another loved one, being treated wrongly by others, financial difficulties or any other of so many trials we need to focus our eyes past the trial to the One who has control and who will use them in His providence for a much greater goal than we can imagine. Not only does this change our perspective on how we look at our struggles, but how we deal with them.  What a joy to know He is perfecting His bride (yes, even through our trials), the  body of Christ, until the day we will all be joined sinless before the throne singing forth His praises!

In a week I go back to Houston for tests to see if the cancer has stopped or progressed.  I rest confident that if God desires, He is very able to cure the cancer.  However, I also rest assured that if the cancer has progressed (as seems likely to me due to increased pain in the hips and leg) it is only because in His providence He commissioned it to do so for my good and His glory!  I may never know the reason that the cancer has been given to me, but I can know that in God's providence it is not only for my good, but for His glory and the growth of His kingdom.

Thomas Watson (thanks Jes M):  There is kindness in affliction, in that there is no condition so bad but it might be worse.  When it is dusk, it might be darker.  God does not make our cross so heavy as he might: he does not stir up all of his anger (Ps. 78:38).  He does not put so many nails in our yoke, so much wormwood in our cup, as he might.  Does God chastise thy body?  He might torture thy conscience.  Does he cut thee short?  He might cut thee off.  The Lord might make our chains heavier.  Is it a burning fever?  It might have been the burning lake.  Does God use the pruning knife to lop thee?  He might bring his axe to hew thee down.  'The waters were up to the ankles.'  Do the waters of affliction come up to the ankles?  God might make them rise higher; nay,  he might drown thee in the waters.  God uses the rod when he might use the scorpion.

There is kindness on affliction, in that your case is not so bad as others, who are always upon the rack, and spend their years with sighing (Ps. 31:10).  Have you a gentle fit of the ague?  Others cry out of the stone (being stoned) and strangulation. Do you bear the wrath of men?  Others bear the wrath of God.  You have but a single trial:  others have them twisted together.  God shoots but one arrow at you, he shoots a shower of arrows at others.  Is there not kindness in all this?  We are apt to say,  "Never any suffered as we!"  Was it not worse with Lazarus, who was so full of sores that the dogs took pity on him, and licked his sores?  Nay, was it not worse with Christ, who lived poor and died cursed?  May this not cause us to say,  'Thy will be done'?  It is kindness that God deals not so severely with us as with others.

There  is kindness in affliction, in that, if we belong to God, it is all the hell we shall have.  Some have two hells:  they suffer in their body and conscience, which is one hell, and another hell is unquenchable fire.  Judas had two hells, but a child of God has but one.  Lazarus had all his hell here, he was full of sores, but had a convoy of angels to carry him to heaven when he died.  Say, then,  "Lo!  if this be the worse that I have, if this be all my hell, I will patiently acquiesce:  'Thy will be done.'

Lesson of the Eyebrows

It is a blessed thing for the heart when we are brought to the place of complete conscious dependency upon The Lord for everything. That is the place of rest, joy, and victory."~Arthur Pink, "Communion"

When I first started chemo in 2011 I was not upset about losing my hair, but it did bother me to lose my eyebrows.  It leaves such a blank face!  I think the only person I told that to was a dear friend up north.  When my chemo was completed she asked me if I had lost my eye brows.  Curious as to why she would ask, I told her, "It was really strange, but they were the only hairs I didn't lose."   She then informed me that she had prayed every day that I would not lose them.  Would I have lost my eyebrows without those prayers?  I definitely do not know.  I do know that God knew the desires of my heart which was also to be healed of the sarcoma if it was in His will.  I know that as of now the continued sarcoma is in His will as is the continued hanging on of my eyebrows. 

After finishing my horrible week on chemotherapy near the end of September I started my week of recuperation and was shortly sent back to the hospital at the end of the week as all my blood counts dropped precipitously as well as some electrolytes.  What was to be an evening of blood transfusions turned into four days of antibiotics and transfusions as I spiked a fever the first night.   I was very pleased to come home Monday morning though it required some twisting of my doctor's arm.   Today I had to make a short trip back for platelet transfusions.   I have definitely felt better since being home surrounded by loving family.  I will continue to have blood counts monitored as well as watch for adverse symptoms.  Many have prayed and God has been gracious to sustain me.

During this time of feeling tied down by weakness, fatigue and pain, BUT having a much clearer mind than the week of chemo I tried to focus on how God uses His creation.  I recalled many years ago when my children were quite young and I was out of work due to a knee injury.  I anticipated losing our house and had no idea of where our food was going to come from.  Sadly, I believed in my head that my daily bread would be provided, but it had not translated to my heart (that took many years of God proving it over and over to me)!   I was overwhelmed with depression, which is something I do not normally suffer from.  In a moment when I felt I could not cope, I sent my children out to play and looking out of my living room window, my eyes full of tears I moaned an incoherent prayer to God asking that He, for the sake of my five children, would care for us.  I saw no answer on my own.  I can't remember how He did take care of things, other than He used the body of Christ.  I do remember that in the depth of my depression I sat on my sofa, tears running down my face as I watched five little house sparrows, one at a time come and sit on the branch outside my window.  Were they sent at that particular time to remind me of Matthew 10 where God says He knows when the sparrow falls and that we are of much more importance than they?  Did they happen to be there which reminded me of God's promise?  I certainly do not know!  What I do know is that God knew where those five sparrows were at that moment in time and used them to remind me of Himself, His power and His compassion.

In thinking on this, I tried to think of the importance of creation and how it is used of God. Of course, I know that the whole creation speaks of, and to, the glory of God.  Psalm 50:9-11 says, For every beast of the forest is mine,   the cattle on a thousand hills.  I know all the birds of the hills,  and all that moves in the field is mine.  Psalm 8: 3-9 reminds us of God's majesty when the Psalmist says,  When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,  the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,  what is man that you are mindful of him,  and the son of man that you care for him?  Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.  You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;  you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen,  and also the beasts of the field,  the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,  whatever passes along the paths of the seas.  O Lord, our Lord,  how majestic is your name in all the earth!  Then there are God's specific uses of His creation:  a raven to bring food to Elijah, quail out of nowhere to feed His people, birds of the air to remind us of His care, the lilies to remind us not to worry, and His power in parting the Red Sea!  There are so many more examples and it has been a blessing to rehearse some of them.

In three weeks I return to MD Anderson for follow up tests.  Will I find the cancer subsided?  Will I find the treatments to once again have failed?  God knows that I desire more time on this earth, but He also knows that above all I desire that His will be done and He be glorified.   No one says it better than Paul in Philippians where he says to live is Christ, but to die is gain.  I also have the knowledge that He who began a good work in you, will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6).  He who numbers the hairs on my head, few as they may currently be, also knows the exact and perfect number of my days.  I do not fear what is to come, but do pray that decisions in three weeks will be clear, and that I might use the months, days, hours and minutes I have left on this earth to His glory.

I have prayed this past week that I might not only pay more attention to prayer, reading of the Word and meditation, but that I may stop going past His creation every day without seeing eyes.  When I see a little lamb may I remember Isaiah 40:11,   He will tend his flock like a shepherd;     he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom,  and gently lead those that are with young.  When I see the endless heavens, the oceans that go past seeing eye, the sand on the ground, and know that God has them all measured, may I be reminded of His endless power way beyond my imagination.   When I see a magnificent sunset changing every nanosecond and never the same, may I see beyond its beauty to the majestic God who is painting a picture of Christ in my life.  When I see the birds and flowers, may I be reminded of He whose palm I  am being held in.  When I see the sun day after day, moment after moment not burning up the earth, may I be reminded of His eyes that never slumber but know where I am every moment, what is going on in my life and what I need.

Isaiah 40:21-31    

Do you not know? Do you not hear?  Has it not been told you from the beginning?

Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?

It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;

who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;

who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown, scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,

when he blows on them, and they wither, and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One.

Lift up your eyes on high and see:  who created these?

He who brings out their host by number,  calling them all by name,

by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,  and speak, O Israel,

“My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God”?

 Have you not known? Have you not heard?

 The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;  his understanding is unsearchable.

 He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;  they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.

Stuck in the Mire

This past week was one of the worst I have through with treatment.  For some reason the chemotherapy hit me very hard in the hospital and I felt very drugged to the point of sleeping all day and not being able to talk sensibly to my children.  It is a state I hate to be in and I could not get out.  I don't know why that would hit me so much harder this time.  I got out of the hospital on Sunday evening and went to the Cancer Center for my lab work and an injection on Monday, only to find my potassium level was very low requiring intravenous Potassium.  Out of the kindness of her heart a nurse stayed late at the center so I would not have to go to the hospital.  While getting the intravenous, my doctor stopped in and was concerned about my left arm (which is the side of the port) being swollen.  I had to go back for a test today which I am pleased was negative for any blood clot.  I was praying they would not have to pull the port or remove a clot.  I am ready for the rest of the week.  I am close to needing transfusions, but maybe can put them off until next week.  White counts are falling as is seen by mouth ulcers perking up.  This too will be over.  Otherwise I am perking up and feeling much better.

During this time, I woke from one of my many "anemic naps" (my excuse for frequent naps) after dreaming a rather humorous dream where I was at the dining room table with my face down in my plate.  The plate was full of white cells, red cells and platelets fighting with chemotherapy agents all on top of cancer.  All I could see was the cancer as my face was flat down in the plate.  As I woke up, I remember thinking that when I raised my head there was a table full of other food, a room full of people and a world that I could only see when I raised my head.  I don't usually remember my dreams but I'm glad I remembered this one and I have mulled on it.  It struck close to home.  Having worked with cancer patients so much of my life and having cancer affect, not only my life, but  many family and friends, I know how often it is that THE CANCER consumes and becomes the center of our lives.  It is hard to lift one's head out to see that there is far more to the world than your cancer.

As I thought of the significance of this in my own life, I also thought of several dear friends in years past  and present as well as myself who have struggled with having our faces pressed down into the plate of our sin so we could see nothing else.  What we could not see was that, while our sin was very real and very great, the view we had was all wrong.    We saw our sin as being overwhelming...and it was.  We saw our faith as being too weak to pull us out...and it was.  What we could not see, was that by swimming in the mire of our sin and not looking out and up, we could not see God's great mercy!

It is wrong for me to think of my cancer as the totality of my being even though it is tempting to do so at times.  It is also, I think, insulting to God to stay in the mire of our sin and not look up to His magnificent mercy.  Romans 6 says, For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.  For one who has died has been set free from sin.  Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.  We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God.  So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.  Keeping our face in the mire of our sin will keep us enslaved to it.  The more we look to God and grow to know Him more and more we will understand that He died for the sins of a whole people, and my sin is not too much for Him to bear.  We are new creatures as Paul says in II Corinthians 5 vs. 16-19, From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer.  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;  that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

So when I am tempted to put my face in the plate of my cancer, I need to look up and see the whole picture.  I need to see the powerful, Almighty God who only does what is good for me and His kingdom.  I need to look at the life He has given me that is not cancer, the many blessings He has showered upon me.  I need to learn more of Him.  Likewise, when my friends and I stay in the mire of our sin, I encourage us to rise up and ask forgiveness of the One who says He will put it behind Him and go forth and live and learn of God.  When you sin again ask forgiveness again.  God's forgiveness is great.  His mercy and love are steadfast.  We cannot slow down His purpose.  We need to remember we are on a pilgrimage for Him and like Pilgrim we must toss the burden of our guilt at the cross.

              And can it be that I should gain

              an interest in the Savior's blood!

              Died he for me? who caused his pain!

              For me? who him to death pursued?

              Amazing love! How can it be

              that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

              Amazing love! How can it be

              that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

              'Tis mystery all: th' Immortal dies!

              Who can explore his strange design?

              In vain the firstborn seraph tries

              to sound the depths of love divine.

              'Tis mercy all! Let earth adore;

              let angel minds inquire no more.

              'Tis mercy all! Let earth adore;

              let angel minds inquire no more.

              He left his Father's throne above

              (so free, so infinite his grace!),

              emptied himself of all but love,

              and bled for Adam's helpless race.

              'Tis mercy all, immense and free,

              for O my God, it found out me!

              'Tis mercy all, immense and free,

              for O my God, it found out me!

              Long my imprisoned spirit lay,

              fast bound in sin and nature's night;

              thine eye diffused a quickening ray;

              I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;

              my chains fell off, my heart was free,

              I rose, went forth, and followed thee.

              My chains fell off, my heart was free,

              I rose, went forth, and followed thee.

              No condemnation now I dread;

              Jesus, and all in him, is mine;

              alive in him, my living Head,

              and clothed in righteousness divine,

              bold I approach th' eternal throne,

              and claim the crown, through Christ my own.

              Bold I approach th' eternal throne,

              and claim the crown, through Christ my own.