Control

 

Control

 

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of resting my cancer’s return in the hands of God until I was told it might be 6 weeks before I could have the surgery to remove the tumor!  I came home very frustrated and disappointed.  After all I am a nurse and a former oncology nurse who has seen the scan of the large tumor resting (or maybe not resting :o) inside of me.  Obviously I know when it should be removed!  It took a night of struggle and being confronted with God’s good providence in having the email with the offer of a free cancer screening pop into my in-box to rethink my thoughts.  If it had not been for the screening, I may not have known the cancer had returned.

 

Shortly after the night of struggling I was given a surgery date of August 2 which is much sooner than predicted.  However today I went in for my pre-op scan and clearance.  The scan shows an increase in size of the tumor as well as a new 2 cm lesion on the other kidney.  Though disappointing, I am grateful to find that out before they opened me up.  My oncologist is consulting with the tumor board and I will see her on Friday when we will make decisions on whether to proceed with surgery.  It is very probable that I will not. 

 

I was reminded of a comment my five year old granddaughter who was sitting on the couch  quietly reading a couple of weeks ago while I was becoming increasingly frustrated with trying to get through to the right people at three different offices to coordinate appointments.  From the couch, without ever raising her head, Mary Fiona sensing my frustration said, “Gramama, God is all-powerful and He is in control!”  Then she continued with her book.  God knew I needed to hear that at just that moment and I needed to be reminded of that after leaving the surgeon’s office and again today.

 

It was very humbling and convicting for me to realize that I was expressing unhappiness with God’s control and would have preferred mine.  As an author I highly respect once said, we as Christians are often practical theists.  How true!  We say we believe in God and trust in Him, yet our actions so often belie that.  Once again I am at peace, for I know He who notes the sparrow’s fall has me in the palm of His hand!

 

As the words of the old hymn say,

             'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

            Just to take him at his word;

            Just to rest upon his promise;

            Just to know, thus saith the Lord.

 

            Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!

            How I've proved him o'er and o'er!

            Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

            O for grace to trust him more.

 

He has indeed proven Himself to me, but “O for grace to trust him more!”

 Please pray that I continue to rejoice in the Lord’s control as I know He makes no mistake!  Pray for wisdom and clarity in decisions and especially that God would be glorified in all that I do for whatever days He gives me.  To Him be the glory!