Use of Time

Since leaving rehab on Christmas Eve I have been slowly progressing.  I am walking with a walker, though I hope soon to progress to a cane and I am exercising upper and lower body muscles every day.  I saw the surgeon this past week who said everything is progressing as expected and told me that on Monday I could take off the horrendous brace I have been wearing 24 hours a day since the surgery, though I should make sure and keep it (not a promising instruction - but one made because of problems of this kind of surgery dislocating-ouch).  She also verified that there were clear margins on the bone that was taken out which is a very good thing.  There has been definite improvement in my mobility, though frustratingly slow in my opinion.  Monday I start outpatient physical therapy which will include water exercise (much better for my arthritic knees and  dislocating knee caps) since I can finally get my leg up in the car without the assistance of a child.  Early February I have an appointment with the medical oncologist in Houston at which I hope to discuss some promising studies with immune therapy that my local oncologist brought to my attention.  Unless those studies are available, I don't forsee any other current treatment.   They will also do further testing on a nodule that has appeared in the lower leg.

While an occupational therapist made her visit the other day we got to discussing a man in an Asian country known for children and babies being left on the streets to die, who made a box for parents to place a child anonymously where they would then be cared for.  The therapist was wondering at how much this one person did because he saw a need and followed through and how little we seem to do in our day by day lives despite seeing needs.  Having cancer has made me much more aware (and convicted) of how much time I waste and how many good works go by me undone due to my idleness or for a variety of excuses.  I find my time utilization very different now that I am not working and since small activities take up more time than they once did.  I struggle with my current use of the time God has  given me as it is not the same as it was when I was working and dashing home to be a mother and teacher.

In thinking on this, I have been rereading a booklet by  Adolphe Monod, A Dying Man's Regrets in his chapter on The Use of Time (http://www.tracts.ukgo.com/monod_farewell16.pdf to read the entire article - a worthy read).  He says,  "Ah! how sufficient and precious is the time God gives us!  God, who is just, proportions the time to the work and the work to the time and never gives us a good work to do for which time is lacking, nor does He give us a moment in which we have not some good thing to do."   He encourages putting into practice Ecclesiastes 9:10 "Whatever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might,"  and reminds us that we do not belong to ourselves and so our time is not ours in the first place.  When I misuse the time I am given, I am stealing from the One who gave it to me.  This becomes so much more evident when faced with your mortality as I have been with my cancer.

Secondly, Monod reminds us to be diligent in seizing the opportunities God holds out to us.   We need to be praying that God would show us what He would have us do.  We also must be willing to follow through.  I remember praying this years back and shortly an opportunity presented itself to lead a girl's Bible study for an age group I felt totally unprepared to lead.   I almost said no, but decided it was an answer to my prayer and so followed up with it. I can't begin to say how many blessings have flowed out of that study and how many deep friendships that have lasted many a year.

Thirdly, Monod encourages us to do our work methodically and with organization.  He encourages punctuality in getting up, going to bed, having our Bible reading and prayer time as well as the activities of our daily lives.  Another writer, Jay Adams, in his booklet Discipline to Godliness instructs us to force ourselves to do things daily over and over to make them a habit (http://www.peacemakers.net/resources/adams/gtd.htm - another great read).  As he says discipline means work.

Lastly, in his thoughts on time, Monod tells us that it is our duty to keep our bodies and minds in such a condition that they will not be an obstacle to what God wants us to do.  Thus we fight the depression we may be prone to, the self interests that get in our way, the desire for human glory that threatens to stop us and the bodily weakness that comes from not caring rightly for the body God gave us.  He ends with a thought that I am convicted to make my own, when he says, My friends, none of us knows how long God may still leave us here;  but we do know the time He has already given us, and the reproaches we deserve for the use we have made of it.  Let us lay hold of what is still before us, whether strong or weak, sick or in good health, living or dying.  We have a Saviours every moment of whose time was given up to obedience to God:  let us follow in His footsteps to glory, by way of the cross, and at the end we shall hear that loving voice saying:  "Well done, good and faithful servant;  thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things." 

As I try to organize my time in this new period in my life, I often stop to think as I crochet and knit, as I read and study, as I sort boxes or sell stuff on e-bay, as I transfer slides from my parents years on the mission field, and as I spend time exercising my body to get back in shape of what else I should be doing.  My daily prayer has become, "Lord, don't let me waste this cancer and don't let me waste my time.   Show me what I need to do and give me the grace and strength to do it.  Use me for Your sake."  It is a fearful prayer as I don't know what He would have me do, but as I look to an eternity with Him, I long for Him to be able to say of me "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

Helplessness

Wishing my blog friends a blessed year ahead!  This past year was full of good things and tough things, but in all things, God proved His ever loving care.  I cannot ask for more for the year ahead.  Whatever God chooses to bring my way, I know it is for my good and His glory!

I must admit to struggling with a feeling of great helplessness at times over the last few weeks. I have had to deal with requiring help for very simple daily needs and even now needing help to tighten my brace, wash my feet and, at times, get my leg in the bed. I have progressed greatly, but am obviously impatient to progress faster.  The hardest thing since being home is dealing with being unable to assist my dear Mother when she is weak and relying on the children for that as well as all the cooking, cleaning and multitude of other things that a homemaker does.

As I have struggled with this, I have come to realize several things. First, this is probably temporary.

Lord willing, I will be able to regain my ability to get around and Mother will regain her strength. At

rehab I met many who were in far worse condition than myself, had little hope for improvement

humanly speaking, and who had no one at home to care for them. It is hard –even impossible- to

understand why and all I could do was assure them of my prayers and try to encourage them along the way.

Secondly, this is the place God has put me now. My sense of independence rebels against it, but

I can know of a certainty that I am where He wants me. And we know that all things work together

for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He

foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn

among many brethren.  Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these

He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. Romans 8:28-31  In every part of our lives we are dependent on God, even for our daily breath.  So often I forget that as I take so much for granted.

Thirdly, I know that He is faithful and will not give me or my family more than He gives the grace

to handle. Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant

and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments…

Deuteronomy 7:9  When I am weak, He is proven strong.

Lastly, when I begin to think that I don’t have time for this, I am reminded that it is not my time to

control. A brother in Christ posted this quote from Shepherd’s Press that I think speaks well to this.

Time The clock is ticking. We are running out of time. It is time for work, school, practice, and even

church. Time is a big deal in modern life. Yet for all of the energy spent on managing time, Jesus

says there is nothing we can do to shorten or lengthen the time given to us on earth, not even by a

millisecond. Time is to be exhausted on God’s glory not our own personal agendas. Time as we know it is not eternal, it is created. There will be no clocks in heaven. Before there was time there was God. This is one reason God refers to himself as I Am. God is infinite, he cannot be measured by time. He is not bound by time. He simply and profoundly is. Time is temporal, having to do with what is temporary. As Paul says, don’t focus on what is temporary, but focus on eternity. Faith has to do with eternity. Worry has to do with time. Something to think about.

Random Thoughts on Hospitalization

I am very grateful to God for successful surgery on the 9^th.    I have moved back from the Houston hospital to Tyler Rehab.  I will have to go home with home health care and home physical therapy for awhile, but hope to leave here in the next couple/few days.   I have made great progress in physical therapy and pray I continue to do so.

Sisters are wonderful!

Having a brace around the waist and leg is torture, but will not last forever.

It is easier being a nurse than a patient/nurse.  Being a patient/nurse does not make one a patient nurse!

Riding in an ambulance for four hours squashed on a stretcher with a brace that juts out two inches is not fun.

Ambulances do not have good shock absorbers.

Eating at a table with strangers in rehab is not the same as being surrounded by family or church friends.

Hospitals are made of red tape and the red tape often gets in the way of good patient care.

There are nurses and hospital staff who work for their checks and others that love what they do.  It shows!

There are people everywhere…staff and patients….who need a word of grace.

Even writing a verse on the white board or having a poem on the desk can make people think.  The Word will not return void.

Post op pain is not as bad as constant throbbing pre-op pain from cancer in the bone.

One never expects to be totally dependent on others.

Being dependent is a rough thing to do.

Being physically dependent on someone else for my basic needs has made me think how dependent we are on God every moment of every day physically and spiritually.

I sometimes resent being dependent spiritually as I do physically.

Resenting dependence on God is an insult to the Almighty.

It is easy to forget who is in control.

God has a plan and His is better than mine.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His way and not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandments of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. "  Job 23:10-12

"You words were found, and I ate them, and Your Word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts."
Jer. 15:16

My plan/His Plan

As I sit here in the huge hospital complex of MD Anderson, 6 days after major surgery to reconstruct my cancer-ridden femur, I have been contemplating how good God has been in bringing me through surgery with no complications.  The pain is tolerable, the staff caring and several humorous situations have been thrown in to make me laugh and/or sigh.  I am very grateful to have a sister who has taken time to come to Houston to cater to my every whim.   This would have been very difficult to manage without her.  I am incredibly thankful for my family and their love and support in so many ways, though it seems they are far too young to have to share this path.   I am also grateful, among many things for a wonderful church family who has blessed my family while I am gone.  In other answers to prayer requests which I made in the last blog, the children’s finals are done, Chris, Bethany and Tegan are off to California, and my Mother has been stable though she still struggles with her health issues.  God has been good!  I am “blessed” with a brace, invented by someone specializing in torture, around my hips and thigh that will need to be left on for six weeks!  This, along with my not using the left leg in months has made it very difficult to get from bed to chair and back…ok, doesn’t help that I was out of shape to begin with.  I do, however, see progress every day despite my impatience.   I hope to leave here mid week and be taken to  a rehab facility in Tyler to be closer to home as I will have to have more therapy to be able to do some more things myself.

My particular current prayer requests are that rehab will continue to be effective and speedy, that I will be spared from injury, that my family would continue to do well and my Mother improve in her health.

A good friend and her brother, both of whom I went to high school with, came to visit the other day.  It was such a joy!  My friend Betty, left me with a book called A Dying Man’s Regrets by Adolphe Monod which I have been enjoying.  I am sure some of you are asking what kind of a friend would leave a book with such a title for someone recuperating from major surgery, and some of you are wondering if I am severely depressed to read it!  Well, my friend, who knows me well, brought the perfect book to read.  We initially read it in high school and since we are all in the dying process at one stage or another, it is a good booklet to read anytime.  Since I am not up to lengthy blogging I will just pass on some snippets.

The author was a well know preacher in France who was struck by a severe terminal illness at the age of fifty-three.  His grave concern was that God was taking him before his work was finished.  Instead, God used him in greater ways through what he was able to share through his suffering.    He speaks of regretting having regulated his life by his own plans, even seemingly good ones, instead of focusing on the plan of God as it unfolds.  As he says, none of our plans will be successful unless they are part of God’s plan, for then God undertakes to guide us.   Jesus is the perfect One to imitate in following the Father’s plan as His only desire in life was to focus on that plan.  As our lives seek to be in harmony with the will of God, Man’s action then becomes divine action, and life becomes, as it were, divine life, throbbing in the heart of man, in which something is accomplished by the power of God.  We have no idea of what we might do if we were completely swallowed up in this perfect harmony with God;   if we sought no other will than His;  if every word of our mouth, every beat of our heart, every thought of our intellect, every movement of our body and of our spirit were drawn towards Him, to wait on Him with the spirit of Samuel: “Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth”.  There are some men—like Luther, Calvin, St. Paul, Moses—who have shown what a man can do when he seeks only the will of God.  Jesus Christ has done much more, because in Him alone was conformity to the will of God perfect.  The wonderful thing is that God does not demand more than we are capable of doing by His grace. 

So as Pastor Monod instructs, I will try to settle my impatience by realizing that even in the suffering that God has given me to go through now and by the hope of life eternal He is accomplishing His purposes.  I also will try to remember to commit my days and work into His hands knowing He will not take me from His work until He deems it done!

The Great Unknown

Tomorrow I go under the knife at MD Anderson, reporting in at 5:15am.  I had my pre-op work done this past Wednesday.  The scans they did then show the sarcoma is continuing to grow in the femur making the reconstruction even more vital before the bone breaks.  They reinforced that this is not curative and depending on where it shows up next, there may be more surgeries in the picture (their picture). There are many unknowns and uncertainties for me in this surgery,  but I am resting my confidence in God, to whom there are no uncertainties.  I know He has it all planned out and it will go according to His will.  I am very grateful that I am going into this with peace in my heart.

I am very blessed to have  many of you praying for me.  As I go through surgery and recovery, I would like  to ask prayer for some specific requests.

1.  That the surgery itself would go well without complication.

2.  That the pain would be controlled satisfactorily.

3.  That the rehab process would go well and that in the process my tendency to have my kneecaps dislocate would not be a hindrance to getting strength back in my legs.

4.  That I do not have to do in-patient rehab when my hospitalization in Houston is done.

5.  That I might have mobility restored to me.

6.  For sustaining grace for my family that are with me and those at home.  Rachel and David will have finals this week to add to their stress.  Chris, Bethany and Tegan will be leaving for California late in the week.  Jesse will remain at home.  Jason and Heather are coming to Houston for a couple of days along with my sister from Ohio.

7.  For peace, wellness and protection for Mother who has been fighting illness for several weeks.  At 96 health issues hit quickly and have worsening affects.

8.  That I might be a testimony to all those I come in contact with. 

Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

My heart trusted in Him and I am helped;

Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,

And with my song I will praise Him.

The Lord is my strength and He is the saving refuge of His anointed.

Save Your people, and bless Your inheritance;

Shepherd them also, and bear them up forever.