Seeming Uncertainties in Life

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness;  he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

Psalm 35:27  "Let those who delight in my righteousness shout for joy and be glad and say evermore,

'Great is the Lord,  who delights in the welfare of his servant!'”

Ephesians 2:7  "...so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."

God is the most vital part of our lives;  the most important truth in the universe, yet He seems to be the most neglected reality in individuals, churches and nations.  John  Piper in his book The Godward Life discusses what we need to do to change this when he says,  What we need is a big picture of a great God who is utterly committed to joyfully demonstrating his greatness in doing us good.  That is, we need to see the majesty of God and know the splendor of God overflowing toward us with exuberant omnipotence.    It is not enough to believe that God is big and strong and fearsome-which he is.  We must experience this magnificence as the explosion of God's uncontainable zeal to satisfy his creatures by showing them himself.  I've read that quote over again and again as I let it's awesome truth sink in.

In the midst of thinking on his devotional, I've been seeing a great deal of uncertainty in life, at least uncertainty as far as we humans know it, with several people weighing heavily on my heart.  My sweet Mother-in-law recently went from puttering in her kitchen (something I will always picture her doing as she makes the world's best rolls) in one moment to having a stroke the next.  She is left unable to speak or swallow and very weak on one side.  In a moment of time life changed forever for she and her husband.  In our church we have a family who is dealing with one of their young sons having leukemia.  Two years ago, I doubt they could have pictured where they would be today or how their life would have changed.  Several others in the church are taking treatment for cancer, a brother in Christ suddenly being left with deteriorating vision making it impossible for him to drive and another friend bringing her Mother home to live with her family only to be faced with some serious health issues.  It seems that there are trials and what appears to be uncertainty wherever I turn.

In the meantime, I have been back to Houston and been found to have "clean" scans.  Of course, I am quick to be reminded that they don't know where IT will show up next and that this past time it did not show up on the routine scans (which cover only the lungs and the lower leg.)   However, I breathe a breath of fresh air reassured that those scans look good and marvel that I have outlived the "median survival" for my type and stage of cancer.  I laughed recently when I read that statistically I had a 0% survival rate!  I thought it was rather humorous since that is what we all have barring a quick return of Christ!   These trips to Houston leave me with a seeming uncertainty in my own life that I am sure I dwell on too often.  It is hard not to cough and wonder if it is the cancer gone to the lungs, or have pain and wonder if it is the next cancer site.  I do believe that sometimes God in Heaven shakes His head and says, "Oh Mary, when will you learn?!"

As I ponder my health and that of my friends and the changes that it has brought into our lives, I realize that our uncertainty and God's "exuberant omnipotence" are not so hard to put together when we begin to understand that God created us for His glory.  In fact, He saved us for His glory, not just to keep us from going to hell, but so we could magnify His name.   As Jonathan Edwards preached (in a sermon when he was 20 years old!), "The godly are designed for unknown and inconceivable happiness."  This is because of the glory it brings to God.  Piper says it in his words as, "the certainty and greatness of the happiness of God's people is as sure as God's zeal for his own glory."  I think if I/we could get our heads around that statement and have the utmost confidence in that truth, it would keep us at peace and steady despite our afflictions and troubles.  Our uncertainty is only in our heads for our uncertainty is God's certainty!

Some wonderful quotes on afflictions that I have recently unearthed from some favorite authors.

Jonathan Edwards:

God's people, whenever they are scorched by afflictions as by hot sun-beams, may resort to him, who is as a shadow of a great rock, and be effectually sheltered, and sweetly refreshed.

Charles Spurgeon:

Bear patiently the rod for a season, and under the darkness still trust in God, for His love burns

towards you. God loves you, his child, with a love too deep for human imagination! 

He loves you with all His infinite heart!

You may fear that the Lord has passed you by, but it is not so: He who counts the stars, and calls

them by their names, is in no danger of forgetting His own children. He knows your case as thoroughly

as if you were the only creature He ever made, or the only saint He ever loved.

Approach Him and be at peace.

 

Tribulations are treasures; and if we were wise, we would reckon our  afflictions among our rarest jewels.

 The caverns of sorrow are mines of diamonds!

 Our earthly possessions may be silver, but trials are, to the saints, invariably gold.

 We may grow in grace through what we enjoy,  but we probably make the greatest progress  through what we suffer.

Soft gales' may be pleasant for heaven bound vessels, but 'rough winds' are better. The 'calm' is our way, but God has his way in the whirlwind,  and he rides on the wings of the wind.

Heir of heaven, your present trials are your medicine. You need that your soul, like your body, should be dealt with by the beloved Physician.  He can heal without the lancet if he desires, but he does not  choose to do so, but will use the means of affliction.  In all his potion there is not one 'chance' atom;    the medicine has been compounded by no ordinary skill;  the infinite wisdom which balanced the clouds, and fixed the corner stone of the world, has been employed to compound the ingredients of your present trial.

Your affliction shall not be too much for you, it shall be just such a trial as you require.

Weep not because your sun has gone done, for it descends that the dews may be brought forth and the earth may be watered, and the flowers may drip with perfume. Wait  awhile,  and the sun shall come back to you again, and the morn shall be the brighter because of the gloom of the night.

Rain and Waiting

Everything these days seems to be about waiting.  I am rather impatiently waiting for my walker to be a thing of the past.  I am waiting to see what an MRI later this week shows about another nodule in THE leg as well as results of the routine scans.  I am waiting to find out what direction the Houston oncologists recommend going this Friday:  both what, if any, scans to do routinely and any treatment.  My local oncologist recommends stopping the routine scans (they would not have picked up this last metastasis in the femur and chemotherapy has failed) and suggests looking at some studies on immunotherapy and watching for any symptoms before scanning (I tend to like that idea).  I am not the most patient person in the world and, like most of us, I like the path to be clear, and obviously haven't yet fully learned the lesson that we cannot know what tomorrow brings.

I was thinking about my impatience in waiting yesterday.  My thoughts were rather gloomy which I felt went along rather well with the weather as it was raining, cloudy, dark and cold.  As I contemplated this more in the afternoon, I read a chapter in John Piper's book II of A Godward Life.  The title of the chapter, I thought, was quite appropriate for the day; The Great Work of God: Rain!  I couldn't help but feel that my perspective on the rainy day would have to change however when I read that title and the verses he quoted from Job 5:8-10;

              "But as for me, I would seek God,

              And I would place my cause before God; 

              Who does great and unsearchable things,

              Wonders without number.

              He gives rain on the earth,

              And sends water on the fields."

Piper was remarking on Job's thought that the rain was a "great and unsearchable thing" from God.  His  thoughts on the process of the rain falling filled me with a sense of  awe at the majesty of God and reminded me to think of His great power and love for His people when I am waiting.   Though lack of rain cannot account for my failed attempts at both vegetable gardens and fruit trees, it is vital both to my gardens, life itself and the farmer's produce.  As far as I'm concerned the rain falls from the sky and rarely do I stop to think of how that happens.  I don't think of that water being carried, sometimes hundreds of miles, from a lake, ocean or sea.  For one inch of rain to fall on a square mile of land it would need to be 27,878,400 cubic feet of water, or 206,300,160 gallons or 1,650,501,280 pounds!  It is beyond my comprehension to picture that amount being evaporated, brought up to the skies, gathering around dust particles that are between .00001 and .0001 centimeters wide to condense and fall down to the earth.  And if salt is in the water, it needs to be taken out before falling lest it kill the crops.  Not only that, but the water has to come down in little drops that are big enough to fall about a mile without evaporating and small enough not to crush the plants!  That is a very simplistic explanation for something very complex that is far beyond my feeble mind to comprehend and can only be orchestrated by a majestic God.

I am left in wonder that God would orchestrate this rain so perfectly, not only to care for the plants He created, but to care for us, His people.  I concluded several things as I thought on the rain.   First it left me determined to never again think of the rain so negatively.  It also made me determined to take time to stop and see the beauty of God's working in the creation around me every day.  It also humbled me as I  realized that just as God caused the raindrops to fall at the precise time He pleased, so He knows the perfect time for everything going on in my life, even the cancer.  I need not be impatient because that impatience is looking at things from my perspective and not His.  I am left praying with David in Psalm 138, Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;  You will stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me,  The LORD will perfect that which concerns me;  Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

Use of Time

Since leaving rehab on Christmas Eve I have been slowly progressing.  I am walking with a walker, though I hope soon to progress to a cane and I am exercising upper and lower body muscles every day.  I saw the surgeon this past week who said everything is progressing as expected and told me that on Monday I could take off the horrendous brace I have been wearing 24 hours a day since the surgery, though I should make sure and keep it (not a promising instruction - but one made because of problems of this kind of surgery dislocating-ouch).  She also verified that there were clear margins on the bone that was taken out which is a very good thing.  There has been definite improvement in my mobility, though frustratingly slow in my opinion.  Monday I start outpatient physical therapy which will include water exercise (much better for my arthritic knees and  dislocating knee caps) since I can finally get my leg up in the car without the assistance of a child.  Early February I have an appointment with the medical oncologist in Houston at which I hope to discuss some promising studies with immune therapy that my local oncologist brought to my attention.  Unless those studies are available, I don't forsee any other current treatment.   They will also do further testing on a nodule that has appeared in the lower leg.

While an occupational therapist made her visit the other day we got to discussing a man in an Asian country known for children and babies being left on the streets to die, who made a box for parents to place a child anonymously where they would then be cared for.  The therapist was wondering at how much this one person did because he saw a need and followed through and how little we seem to do in our day by day lives despite seeing needs.  Having cancer has made me much more aware (and convicted) of how much time I waste and how many good works go by me undone due to my idleness or for a variety of excuses.  I find my time utilization very different now that I am not working and since small activities take up more time than they once did.  I struggle with my current use of the time God has  given me as it is not the same as it was when I was working and dashing home to be a mother and teacher.

In thinking on this, I have been rereading a booklet by  Adolphe Monod, A Dying Man's Regrets in his chapter on The Use of Time (http://www.tracts.ukgo.com/monod_farewell16.pdf to read the entire article - a worthy read).  He says,  "Ah! how sufficient and precious is the time God gives us!  God, who is just, proportions the time to the work and the work to the time and never gives us a good work to do for which time is lacking, nor does He give us a moment in which we have not some good thing to do."   He encourages putting into practice Ecclesiastes 9:10 "Whatever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might,"  and reminds us that we do not belong to ourselves and so our time is not ours in the first place.  When I misuse the time I am given, I am stealing from the One who gave it to me.  This becomes so much more evident when faced with your mortality as I have been with my cancer.

Secondly, Monod reminds us to be diligent in seizing the opportunities God holds out to us.   We need to be praying that God would show us what He would have us do.  We also must be willing to follow through.  I remember praying this years back and shortly an opportunity presented itself to lead a girl's Bible study for an age group I felt totally unprepared to lead.   I almost said no, but decided it was an answer to my prayer and so followed up with it. I can't begin to say how many blessings have flowed out of that study and how many deep friendships that have lasted many a year.

Thirdly, Monod encourages us to do our work methodically and with organization.  He encourages punctuality in getting up, going to bed, having our Bible reading and prayer time as well as the activities of our daily lives.  Another writer, Jay Adams, in his booklet Discipline to Godliness instructs us to force ourselves to do things daily over and over to make them a habit (http://www.peacemakers.net/resources/adams/gtd.htm - another great read).  As he says discipline means work.

Lastly, in his thoughts on time, Monod tells us that it is our duty to keep our bodies and minds in such a condition that they will not be an obstacle to what God wants us to do.  Thus we fight the depression we may be prone to, the self interests that get in our way, the desire for human glory that threatens to stop us and the bodily weakness that comes from not caring rightly for the body God gave us.  He ends with a thought that I am convicted to make my own, when he says, My friends, none of us knows how long God may still leave us here;  but we do know the time He has already given us, and the reproaches we deserve for the use we have made of it.  Let us lay hold of what is still before us, whether strong or weak, sick or in good health, living or dying.  We have a Saviours every moment of whose time was given up to obedience to God:  let us follow in His footsteps to glory, by way of the cross, and at the end we shall hear that loving voice saying:  "Well done, good and faithful servant;  thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things." 

As I try to organize my time in this new period in my life, I often stop to think as I crochet and knit, as I read and study, as I sort boxes or sell stuff on e-bay, as I transfer slides from my parents years on the mission field, and as I spend time exercising my body to get back in shape of what else I should be doing.  My daily prayer has become, "Lord, don't let me waste this cancer and don't let me waste my time.   Show me what I need to do and give me the grace and strength to do it.  Use me for Your sake."  It is a fearful prayer as I don't know what He would have me do, but as I look to an eternity with Him, I long for Him to be able to say of me "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

Helplessness

Wishing my blog friends a blessed year ahead!  This past year was full of good things and tough things, but in all things, God proved His ever loving care.  I cannot ask for more for the year ahead.  Whatever God chooses to bring my way, I know it is for my good and His glory!

I must admit to struggling with a feeling of great helplessness at times over the last few weeks. I have had to deal with requiring help for very simple daily needs and even now needing help to tighten my brace, wash my feet and, at times, get my leg in the bed. I have progressed greatly, but am obviously impatient to progress faster.  The hardest thing since being home is dealing with being unable to assist my dear Mother when she is weak and relying on the children for that as well as all the cooking, cleaning and multitude of other things that a homemaker does.

As I have struggled with this, I have come to realize several things. First, this is probably temporary.

Lord willing, I will be able to regain my ability to get around and Mother will regain her strength. At

rehab I met many who were in far worse condition than myself, had little hope for improvement

humanly speaking, and who had no one at home to care for them. It is hard –even impossible- to

understand why and all I could do was assure them of my prayers and try to encourage them along the way.

Secondly, this is the place God has put me now. My sense of independence rebels against it, but

I can know of a certainty that I am where He wants me. And we know that all things work together

for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He

foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn

among many brethren.  Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these

He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. Romans 8:28-31  In every part of our lives we are dependent on God, even for our daily breath.  So often I forget that as I take so much for granted.

Thirdly, I know that He is faithful and will not give me or my family more than He gives the grace

to handle. Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant

and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments…

Deuteronomy 7:9  When I am weak, He is proven strong.

Lastly, when I begin to think that I don’t have time for this, I am reminded that it is not my time to

control. A brother in Christ posted this quote from Shepherd’s Press that I think speaks well to this.

Time The clock is ticking. We are running out of time. It is time for work, school, practice, and even

church. Time is a big deal in modern life. Yet for all of the energy spent on managing time, Jesus

says there is nothing we can do to shorten or lengthen the time given to us on earth, not even by a

millisecond. Time is to be exhausted on God’s glory not our own personal agendas. Time as we know it is not eternal, it is created. There will be no clocks in heaven. Before there was time there was God. This is one reason God refers to himself as I Am. God is infinite, he cannot be measured by time. He is not bound by time. He simply and profoundly is. Time is temporal, having to do with what is temporary. As Paul says, don’t focus on what is temporary, but focus on eternity. Faith has to do with eternity. Worry has to do with time. Something to think about.

Random Thoughts on Hospitalization

I am very grateful to God for successful surgery on the 9^th.    I have moved back from the Houston hospital to Tyler Rehab.  I will have to go home with home health care and home physical therapy for awhile, but hope to leave here in the next couple/few days.   I have made great progress in physical therapy and pray I continue to do so.

Sisters are wonderful!

Having a brace around the waist and leg is torture, but will not last forever.

It is easier being a nurse than a patient/nurse.  Being a patient/nurse does not make one a patient nurse!

Riding in an ambulance for four hours squashed on a stretcher with a brace that juts out two inches is not fun.

Ambulances do not have good shock absorbers.

Eating at a table with strangers in rehab is not the same as being surrounded by family or church friends.

Hospitals are made of red tape and the red tape often gets in the way of good patient care.

There are nurses and hospital staff who work for their checks and others that love what they do.  It shows!

There are people everywhere…staff and patients….who need a word of grace.

Even writing a verse on the white board or having a poem on the desk can make people think.  The Word will not return void.

Post op pain is not as bad as constant throbbing pre-op pain from cancer in the bone.

One never expects to be totally dependent on others.

Being dependent is a rough thing to do.

Being physically dependent on someone else for my basic needs has made me think how dependent we are on God every moment of every day physically and spiritually.

I sometimes resent being dependent spiritually as I do physically.

Resenting dependence on God is an insult to the Almighty.

It is easy to forget who is in control.

God has a plan and His is better than mine.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His way and not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandments of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. "  Job 23:10-12

"You words were found, and I ate them, and Your Word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts."
Jer. 15:16