This past week was one of the worst I have through with treatment. For some reason the chemotherapy hit me very
hard in the hospital and I felt very drugged to the point of sleeping all day
and not being able to talk sensibly to my children. It is a state I hate to be in and I could not
get out. I don't know why that would hit
me so much harder this time. I got out
of the hospital on Sunday evening and went to the Cancer Center for my lab work
and an injection on Monday, only to find my potassium level was very low
requiring intravenous Potassium. Out of
the kindness of her heart a nurse stayed late at the center so I would not have
to go to the hospital. While getting the
intravenous, my doctor stopped in and was concerned about my left arm (which is
the side of the port) being swollen. I
had to go back for a test today which I am pleased was negative for any blood
clot. I was praying they would not have
to pull the port or remove a clot. I am
ready for the rest of the week. I am
close to needing transfusions, but maybe can put them off until next week. White counts are falling as is seen by mouth
ulcers perking up. This too will be
over. Otherwise I am perking up and
feeling much better.
During this time, I woke from one of my many "anemic
naps" (my excuse for frequent naps) after dreaming a rather humorous dream
where I was at the dining room table with my face down in my plate. The plate was full of white cells, red cells
and platelets fighting with chemotherapy agents all on top of cancer. All I could see was the cancer as my face was
flat down in the plate. As I woke up, I
remember thinking that when I raised my head there was a table full of other
food, a room full of people and a world that I could only see when I raised my
head. I don't usually remember my dreams
but I'm glad I remembered this one and I have mulled on it. It struck close to home. Having worked with cancer patients so much of
my life and having cancer affect, not only my life, but many family and friends, I know how often it
is that THE CANCER consumes and becomes the center of our lives. It is hard to lift one's head out to see that
there is far more to the world than your cancer.
As I thought of the significance of this in my own life,
I also thought of several dear friends in years past and present as well as myself who have struggled
with having our faces pressed down into the plate of our sin so we could see
nothing else. What we could not see was
that, while our sin was very real and very great, the view we had was all
wrong. We saw our sin as being
overwhelming...and it was. We saw our
faith as being too weak to pull us out...and it was. What we could not see, was that by swimming
in the mire of our sin and not looking out and up, we could not see God's great
mercy!
It is wrong for me to think of my cancer as the totality
of my being even though it is tempting to do so at times. It is also, I think, insulting to God to stay
in the mire of our sin and not look up to His magnificent mercy. Romans 6 says, For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly
be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was
crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing,
so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from
sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we
believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the
dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the
death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to
God. So you also must consider
yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Keeping our face in the mire of our sin
will keep us enslaved to it. The more we
look to God and grow to know Him more and more we will understand that He died
for the sins of a whole people, and my sin is not too much for Him to
bear. We are new creatures as Paul says
in II Corinthians 5 vs. 16-19, From now
on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once
regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new
creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from
God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of
reconciliation; that is, in Christ God
was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against
them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.
So when I am tempted to put my face in the plate of my
cancer, I need to look up and see the whole picture. I need to see the powerful, Almighty God who
only does what is good for me and His kingdom.
I need to look at the life He has given me that is not cancer, the many
blessings He has showered upon me. I
need to learn more of Him. Likewise, when
my friends and I stay in the mire of our sin, I encourage us to rise up and ask
forgiveness of the One who says He will put it behind Him and go forth and live
and learn of God. When you sin again ask
forgiveness again. God's forgiveness is
great. His mercy and love are steadfast. We cannot slow down His purpose. We need to remember we are on a pilgrimage
for Him and like Pilgrim we must toss the burden of our guilt at the cross.
And can it be that I should gain
an interest in the Savior's blood!
Died he for me? who caused his
pain!
For me? who him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die
for me?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die
for me?
'Tis mystery all: th' Immortal
dies!
Who can explore his strange
design?
In vain the firstborn seraph tries
to sound the depths of love
divine.
'Tis mercy all! Let earth adore;
let angel minds inquire no more.
'Tis mercy all! Let earth adore;
let angel minds inquire no more.
He left his Father's throne above
(so free, so infinite his grace!),
emptied himself of all but love,
and bled for Adam's helpless race.
'Tis mercy all, immense and free,
for O my God, it found out me!
'Tis mercy all, immense and free,
for O my God, it found out me!
Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
fast bound in sin and nature's
night;
thine eye diffused a quickening
ray;
I woke, the dungeon flamed with
light;
my chains fell off, my heart was
free,
I rose, went forth, and followed
thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was
free,
I rose, went forth, and followed
thee.
No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in him, is mine;
alive in him, my living Head,
and clothed in righteousness
divine,
bold I approach th' eternal
throne,
and claim the crown, through
Christ my own.
Bold I approach th' eternal
throne,
and claim the crown, through
Christ my own.
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