Sacrificial Taking

As your days--so shall your strength be. Deuteronomy 33:25

Today I started my first of five chemo treatments this week.  I survived.  God heard and answered the prayers that it might be done here in town and that it could be started quickly.  In fact, He went above and beyond as insurance is covering it despite the fact that I was told they would cover nothing.  I dread getting it, but since I have decided to do it would like to get it done and over with before the cancer progresses any further.  I will take it all this week then have two weeks off before the next treatment.  After the second treatment, I will go back to MD Anderson for my scans and evaluation.

This past week was a rough week as I waited for red tape to be gone through so I could start chemotherapy.  I also developed severe spasms in my leg and hip that make some things very difficult.   This has caused two issues:  a significant increase in pain and finding there are things I can't or shouldn't do.   I have a high pain tolerance, but the pain is aggravated by the fact that I hate the way pain medication makes me feel, so I  wait too long to take it.  That is something I am having to work through.

The more difficult problem is the issue of finding more and more things that I cannot do, or cannot do by myself.  For example there are times now that I cannot put the foot of the recliner down or pull my affected  leg up onto the bed without a severe spasm.  Sunday morning trying to get to church,  I ended up in tears of frustration as I could not get my leg up into the car without help.  Additionally, I am supposed to keep weight off of the left leg and so don't do well working on anything that requires standing for any length of time.   Those are only a few examples of what is changing in my life.  Fortunately I am blessed with a most wonderful family who look for things that need to be done before I even ask.  Besides taking over cooking,  household jobs, picking up things for me that require bending (including my leg at times) and a multitude of other things, they have rearranged my bedroom and living room to make things easier.  However, it is very difficult for me to accept help, and therein lies the problem. 

My family and friends know that I am rather determined...ok...headstrong, stubborn and independent.  In fact, I see some of you smiling and hear some of you saying that is the understatement of the year!  And you are right.  That trait has its good points as it has helped me to do some things in the past that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise and helped me go through some very difficult times in my life.  However as I struggle down this path God has put me on, I am beginning to see that the trait can also allow me to slip easily into the sin of pride.  Put simply, I like to do for others and don't like others to do for me.   It takes humility to receive.  As the writer of Ecclesiastes says in chapter 3, To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven..  My season is changing and I am having to learn to humble myself to accept help, when it is something every particle in my being cries out against.

One of my very wise sons, who was recently married, had a talk with his Grandmother and myself the other day.  He brought up the fact that marriage is teaching him how important sacrificial love is in a marriage.  He talked about how his marriage is being strengthened as he and his wife practice that.  Then he proceeded to tell my Mother and myself that not allowing for sacrificial love only hurts relationships.  He also said that we both have had our years of giving and now it was time to willingly let them (the children) help us.  What a wise son!  It made me think long and hard about my attitude about letting others help me.  I don't usually think of it as pride, nor do I like to, but I believe that often it is.  That is a sin that I need to repent of, and I need to learn to humbly accept help when I need it.

The Bible often talks of sharing each others burdens, of giving to others and helping others.  I have always been a firm believer in that.  (I think one of the reasons people like the church I go to is because it is full of people who give of themselves to others.)  The verses that most impacted me as a teenager were from Matthew 7: 21-23, Not everyone who says to Me, "Lord, Lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father is heaven.  Many will say to Me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?  And then I will declare to them, "I never knew you;  depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness."   God impressed upon me then that faith without works is not really faith at all:  that saying one is a Christian did not make one a Christian. 

This past week my family has been teaching me that there are things that I do have to change.  They are teaching me that it is wrong to be too proud to accept help.  They are helping me to enlarge our love and our relationship, and God is teaching me to be humble.  As I struggle with the changes in my abilities and look for new ways to serve, I also am  struggling to try to learn to imitate Christ, not only in His love, but in His humility.  May God help me do so.

“For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.”—Hebrews 12:10

What God our Father wills is best. When He wills sickness, sickness is better than health. When He wills weakness, weakness is better than strength. When He wills poverty, poverty is better than wealth. When He wills reproach, reproach is better than honor. When He wills death, death is better than life.

As God is wisdom itself, and so knows that which is best, so He is goodness itself and therefore cannot do anything but that which is best; therefore remain silent before the Lord.