Squandered Blessings

I'll admit to disappointment with my visit to MD Anderson this past weekend. The disappointment was not in finding out  that the chemotherapy had not been effective, as I assumed that because of the increase in pain I have had.  My disappointment was due to the fact that decisions for future treatment were not clearer.   To be honest, I hate making decisions (as my friends know, I don't even like to chose a restaurant) and lately have been overwhelmed by how many major ones I have been faced with.   I am very thankful to have a doctor there (and here) who understand completely that I am not interested in taking a treatment that would prolong my life a few months, but make me miserable the entire time.  Unfortunately however, this sarcoma is so rare that there are not big enough studies to be able to give percentages of effectiveness on various treatments.   I also know that all doctor's predictions are just human best guesses anyway.  Humanly speaking my late husband was not expected to live more than 3-6 months and God granted him 3 good years.   I know I will not live one hour more or less than God has ordained.  It was simply my mistake to go to Houston thinking the answer as to what, if any, treatment should be pursued would be handed to me on a silver platter!  Their recommendation, if I do anything,  is to try a different chemo treatment for a couple of months and if the lesion shrinks to possibly have surgery.  However, it is unclear how extensive the surgery would have to be, thus a return visit to Houston on Wednesday to meet again with the surgeon.  Perhaps this visit will make things clearer.

It is a classic question, and one I have been thinking about a great deal recently:  "What would you do differently if you knew you had ____time left on the earth?"   Obviously, only God knows what time we have left, but we are told to "number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom." (Ps. 90:12)  So often we live as though we had no end in sight here on the earth, not looking at the fact that we could die in a car accident tomorrow or be faced with a terminal illness.  Being faced with that illness, I have been mulling over that question that I should have been asking daily for years.  I must admit I am disappointed to find that there are many things I would do differently.  Oh that I could say I had lived each day as though it were my last!

Many years ago, when I was going through a very very difficult time in my life a good friend assured me of her prayers and made the comment that one day God would shower me with His blessings.  I have remembered that often as I have tried to count the many blessings God has brought into my life over the last few years.  I am blessed beyond measure!  My daily needs are well supplied for and running over.  I am surrounded by five godly loving children, two wonderful daughters-in-law and a most gracious Mother who all support and lift me up every day.  I have the body of Christ here locally and around the world who lift me up in prayer and care, sharing my burdens. I have friends who send notes encouraging me to keep on trudging along!   I have been given so much!  The other evening as one of my sons led in prayer during our family devotions, I was struck by his prayer as he thanked God for His multitude of blessings to us, but prayed that we would not squander those blessings.  Wow!  As I contemplate what I would do differently if I knew how many days I had left on this earth, I keep coming back to this prayer and am made aware that daily I am squandering those blessings that I have been given.

So my prayer today, is that whatever time God gives me before taking me to glory, I may stop squandering those multitude of blessings He has given me.  I pray that I will not neglect reading and studying His word and coming to Him in prayer, worship and gratitude.  I pray that I will take time to look out and actually see the beauty of creation around me and see God's hand in it.  I pray that I will remember to uplift my friends to God daily in prayer. I pray that I will take the time to sit on the porch and drink coffee with the most wonderful mother a person could ask for and appreciate the time we have together.  I pray that I might be sure my family knows they are loved every day.  I pray that I might be quicker to share my faith and sing God's praises to those around me.  I pray that I might be a blessing to all God sees fit to bring in my path.  I pray that my cancer might be used to bring glory to God!

A couple of quotes a friend sent to me.  The first from  Death by Samuel Eyres Pierce, a book we had to read in high school.

 "There is a time to be born and a time to die;" and everyone dies when they least expect, yet no one dies but at God's appointed time; and the wisdom, goodness, and power of God, are more eminently displayed in the deaths of all men, as well as in their lives. This should make us contented to live, and also to die. The time, the place, the season, the circumstance, and all which concerns our going out of this world, is most divinely ordered by the Lord. Everyone dies in the most convenient season for themselves and those they belong to. All God's purposes, for which He brought us into being, and the reasons why He has upheld us so few, or so many years in this world, are all accomplished in us, and by us, before He removes us out of it by death....."

 
The second by Bonar, "We watch; for the night is far spent. Not only do we know of nought before us ere the Lord arrive; but we know of much behind us. Hours, years, ages have gone by. And if the whole night was to be brief, only a "little while" then surely very much of it must now be over. "The night is far spent," says the apostle; literally, it is "cut off", it is foreshortened, that is, it is becoming shorter, it is drawing to a close. Behind us are lying centuries of tears and shadows; the greater part of the little while must be past; the day must be at hand. The nearness makes the thought of day doubly welcome. We bend towards it with warm longings; we strain our eyes to catch the first token of it; we rouse ourselves to vigilance, knowing that now is our salvation nearer than when we believed."