June 21, 2013 Just A Weaver

Just A Weaver

by Benjamine Malachi Franklin

My life is but a weaving,

between my God and me,

I do not choose the colors,

He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes he weaveth sorrow,

and I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper,

and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,

and the shuttles cease to fly,

Will God unroll the canvas,

and explain the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful

in the skillful weaver's hand

As threads of gold and silver

in the pattern He has planned.

At the end of 2010 I was diagnosed with Mesenchymal Chondrosarcoma (a rare and aggressive cancer) of a tumor removed from my left lower leg.  A great part of 2011 was spent going through one of the worst of the chemotherapy regimens followed by radiation treatments.  On May 15, 2013 I found out that my sarcoma had spread to the left hip bone and on the same day I was told that my job was being eliminated and after 33 years at the hospital I was being laid off!  Both came as quite a blow.  This past month has been busy making financial decisions and going through medical tests while trying to organize my life.   Life was far from easy before this cancer.  In 2006, I lost my husband after a three year bout of lung cancer, however,  God has blessed my nursing degree with a job that provided for myself and my five children over the years.  I am extraordinarily blessed to have five wonderful children, two very special daughters-in-law and a first grandchild on the way.  I am also blessed to have a most magnificent God-fearing woman, my Mother, living with me at 95 years of age.  Not only that, but I am surrounded by loving extended family, faithful friends,  a wonderful church family and even many who I have never met who hold me up in their prayers.  I am the most blessed of women.

I have often thought about journaling to leave something for my children and friends when I am no longer here but fear that my handwriting will make it difficult to read.    I also don't want my cancer to go to waste.  I am unabashedly a sinner saved by God's grace and have been deeply affected by an article by John Piper called "Don't Waste Your Cancer" (found here).  In all the struggles I have gone through over the last few years, God has proven Himself faithful to me and my family over and over again.  Often I regret how little time I have spent sharing that with others, and so, if you don't wish to hear of my spiritual as well as physical struggles and blessings, feel free to not read further.  I have been very blessed by Scripture and other writings as I travel this path and hope that what I share will be a blessing to each who reads.   I am blessed today by Psalm 138: 7-8 "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me.  The LORD will perfect that which concerns me;  Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever;  Do not forsake the works of Your hands."

Yesterday I was called by the surgeon at MD Anderson and told the biopsy of the left hip bone was indeed the same sarcoma.  I was thrown off by the recommendation of more chemotherapy, though not by the thought of radiation or possible surgery.  I am waiting on an appointment with their medical oncologist to go over their recommendations.  I do not want (though am not ruling out) more chemo, which will be no surprise to anyone who has had any.  Neither do I want to spin my wheels feeling horrible to add a few months to my life.  However, I know I also face humanly speaking, an almost certain breaking of that bone as well as increased pain (which has gone up in the last few weeks).  I am praying that God will give wisdom to the doctors and myself in making decisions.  I am also praying for the practical things like disability coming through for myself and my special needs adult son in a timely manner as I am no longer working.

As I begin what I call the last leg of my journey (whether God gives me months or years), I have my fears and anxieties.  I fight fear of the unknown of what life will be like if the hip fractures, the unknowns of pain as well as treatments.  Despite being out of work, I don't fear making ends meet (though rough times will definitely be coming), as God has proved His material care for us over and over as a widow and before.  I no longer fear my children being left without their mother, though it makes me very sad.  I had prayed to be allowed to care for my dear Mother when her body deteriorates and I don't know if I will be allowed, and that makes me sad.  (We laugh as we meet in the hall on our walkers...may I suggest a reality show entitled "Walker Wars?")  Mostly I fear that my faith and trust in my LORD will not be strong as I go down this path and that I will bring shame to His name.  However, in all of my fears I am reminded of my motto since the beginning of this cancer, It is not my faith that will bring me through, but The One in whom my faith resides who will do so.

The Trial of Grace, by Samuel Rutherford (1637). 'Grace tried is better than grace, and it is more than grace; it is glory in its infancy....Why should I start at the plough of my Lord, that maketh deep furrows on my soul? I know that He is no idle Husbandman, He purposeth a crop.'

Why should I fear if on my soul

My Master's plough draws furrows deep?

No idle Husbandman is He

Who purposes a crop to reap.

This fallow ground He ploughs with pain,

A harvest full at length to gain.

Grace tried is more than grace and grows

To glory in its infancy!

And who can tell the truth of grace

Till trial prove its constancy?

Today the hammer, file and heat,

The next His handiwork complete.

So let each cross breathe out His love,

Each tell His wisdom, kindness, care;

Each speak with unloosed tongue His worth

Who crowns my head with garlands fair.

This prison is my house of wine,

Here Christ and I may richly dine.