It is a blessed thing for the heart when we are brought
to the place of complete conscious dependency upon The Lord for everything.
That is the place of rest, joy, and victory."~Arthur Pink, "Communion"
When I first started chemo in 2011 I was not upset about
losing my hair, but it did bother me to lose my eyebrows. It leaves such a blank face! I think the only person I told that to was a
dear friend up north. When my chemo was
completed she asked me if I had lost my eye brows. Curious as to why she would ask, I told her,
"It was really strange, but they were the only hairs I didn't lose." She
then informed me that she had prayed every day that I would not lose them. Would I have lost my eyebrows without those
prayers? I definitely do not know. I do know that God knew the desires of my
heart which was also to be healed of the sarcoma if it was in His will. I know that as of now the continued sarcoma is
in His will as is the continued hanging on of my eyebrows.
After finishing my horrible week on chemotherapy near the
end of September I started my week of recuperation and was shortly sent back to
the hospital at the end of the week as all my blood counts dropped
precipitously as well as some electrolytes.
What was to be an evening of blood transfusions turned into four days of
antibiotics and transfusions as I spiked a fever the first night. I was very pleased to come home Monday
morning though it required some twisting of my doctor's arm. Today I had to make a short trip back for
platelet transfusions. I have definitely felt better since being home
surrounded by loving family. I will
continue to have blood counts monitored as well as watch for adverse symptoms. Many have prayed and God has been gracious to
sustain me.
During this time of feeling tied down by weakness,
fatigue and pain, BUT having a much clearer mind than the week of chemo I tried
to focus on how God uses His creation. I
recalled many years ago when my children were quite young and I was out of work
due to a knee injury. I anticipated
losing our house and had no idea of where our food was going to come from. Sadly, I believed in my head that my daily
bread would be provided, but it had not translated to my heart (that took many
years of God proving it over and over to me)!
I was overwhelmed with depression, which is something I do not normally
suffer from. In a moment when I felt I
could not cope, I sent my children out to play and looking out of my living
room window, my eyes full of tears I moaned an incoherent prayer to God asking
that He, for the sake of my five children, would care for us. I saw no answer on my own. I can't remember how He did take care of
things, other than He used the body of Christ.
I do remember that in the depth of my depression I sat on my sofa, tears
running down my face as I watched five little house sparrows, one at a time come
and sit on the branch outside my window.
Were they sent at that particular time to remind me of Matthew 10 where
God says He knows when the sparrow falls and that we are of much more
importance than they? Did they happen to
be there which reminded me of God's promise?
I certainly do not know! What I
do know is that God knew where those five sparrows were at that moment in time
and used them to remind me of Himself, His power and His compassion.
In thinking on this, I tried to think of the importance
of creation and how it is used of God. Of course, I know that the whole
creation speaks of, and to, the glory of God.
Psalm 50:9-11 says, For every
beast of the forest is mine, the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the hills, and all that moves in the field is mine. Psalm 8: 3-9 reminds us of God's majesty
when the Psalmist says, When I look at your heavens, the work of
your fingers, the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place, what is man
that you are mindful of him, and the son
of man that you care for him? Yet you
have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with
glory and honor. You have given him
dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all
sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of
the field, the birds of the heavens, and
the fish of the sea, whatever passes
along the paths of the seas. O Lord, our
Lord, how majestic is your name in all
the earth! Then there are God's
specific uses of His creation: a raven
to bring food to Elijah, quail out of nowhere to feed His people, birds of the
air to remind us of His care, the lilies to remind us not to worry, and His
power in parting the Red Sea! There are
so many more examples and it has been a blessing to rehearse some of them.
In three weeks I return to MD Anderson for follow up
tests. Will I find the cancer
subsided? Will I find the treatments to
once again have failed? God knows that I
desire more time on this earth, but He also knows that above all I desire that
His will be done and He be glorified. No one says it better than Paul in
Philippians where he says to live is Christ, but to die is gain. I also have the knowledge that He who began a good work in you, will
complete it until the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6). He who numbers the hairs on my head, few as
they may currently be, also knows the exact and perfect number of my days. I do not fear what is to come, but do pray
that decisions in three weeks will be clear, and that I might use the months, days,
hours and minutes I have left on this earth to His glory.
I have prayed this past week that I might not only pay
more attention to prayer, reading of the Word and meditation, but that I may
stop going past His creation every day without seeing eyes. When I see a little lamb may I remember
Isaiah 40:11, He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he
will carry them in his bosom, and gently
lead those that are with young. When
I see the endless heavens, the oceans that go past seeing eye, the sand on the
ground, and know that God has them all measured, may I be reminded of His
endless power way beyond my imagination.
When I see a magnificent sunset changing every nanosecond and never the
same, may I see beyond its beauty to the majestic God who is painting a picture
of Christ in my life. When I see the
birds and flowers, may I be reminded of He whose palm I am being held in. When I see the sun day after day, moment
after moment not burning up the earth, may I be reminded of His eyes that never
slumber but know where I am every moment, what is going on in my life and what
I need.
Isaiah 40:21-31
Do you not know? Do you not hear? Has
it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations
of the earth?
It is he who sits above the circle of the
earth, and
its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out
the heavens like a curtain, and
spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
who brings princes to nothing, and
makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.
when he blows on
them, and they wither, and
the tempest carries them off like stubble.
To whom then will
you compare me, that
I should be like him? says the Holy One.
Lift up your eyes on high and see: who
created these?
He who brings out
their host by number, calling them all by name,
by the greatness of
his might, and
because he is strong in power not
one is missing.Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden
from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God”?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the
everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint
or grow weary; his
understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and
to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary, and
young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew
their strength;
they
shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and
not be weary;
they
shall walk and not faint.
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