Heb. 12: 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the
grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and
by it many become defiled...
Eph. 4: 15 -16, 31 - 32 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into
him who is the head, into Christ, from
whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is
equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it
builds itself up in love.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and
clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
As I wrote this, waiting for my visit to MD Anderson, I
had been thinking a great deal about choices I have in dealing with a bad
prognosis, if that is what I should face.
I could become bitter as so often in life we become bitter over the
place we are given. I have definitely
been there in the past. When I was young
I just knew that God wanted me to be a missionary's wife and a nurse. Obviously that is not what I became. For years, as I struggled in my "ordinary" role, I fought
bitterness and envy as I "knew"
I could be doing great things for God on the mission field. It took me years to realize that God had
given me my own mission field with my husband, family and work right where I
was. Through eleven years of infertility
I once again allowed the root of bitterness to take hold as I begged God to
allow me to become a mother. I allowed
bitterness to creep in when I had to continue working instead of being a
stay-at-home mom. I am embarrassed when I think back to how
often the root of bitterness crept into my life and how it took literally years
to even understand that it was bitterness, was my sin, was wasting my God-given
time and needed to be repented of. I
will always remember my pastor in giving marital counseling to my husband and I,
kindly telling me that I was "gunnysacking." What a shock it was to me to realize that I
(as I think many women especially are prone to do) was carrying my imaginary
bag on my back full of my husband's wrongs against me. He dealt with issues by getting angry and it
was over; I would shut up and throw it
in my sack to pull out at a later date.
I share my humbling admissions because I've been thinking
a great deal lately about how easy it is to let resentment build up in our
lives until it eats away at our insides.
All the while we so often don't see it for what it is for years and
sometimes a lifetime. I have watched in
friends as this bitterness destroyed marriages and homes. I have watched it tear apart a church, split
up families and ruin friendships. I have
watched it used as an excuse to escape into other sins such as drugs, adultery
and alcohol. I have seen grown adults
still holding onto what they consider a wrongdoing in their childhood and using
it as an excuse for their failures as an adult.
I've had friends who went into severe depression because they could not
understand the "unfairness" of their health problems, marriage
problems or financial problems. Personally, I think bitterness is at the root
of many other sins, only it is harder to recognize. With myself, I went years before I even
understand stood that bitterness was eating at my soul.
Bitterness is something that creeps in and can reside for
years with a person unaware that it is tearing at their being. It seems that at the root of this bitterness
is usually either our resentment of where God has put us in life and comparing
it to others, or a perceived (or real) sin committed against us. It would be easy for me to resent the place
my siblings have attained in their lives compared to mine. It would be easy for me to envy my healthy
friends who are not fighting cancer. It
would be easy to resent those who are more financially secure. It would be easy, but it would also be very
detrimental to my soul's well being. When
I think of the years that I wasted on bitterness, not even knowing that is what
it was, I am saddened. I have prayed God
would always make me aware if that sets in again before the root takes off and
grows.
As I sit holding my beautiful little granddaughter,
Tegan, I am reminded that there is another way to face a bad prognosis. I am awed by the perfection with which she is
put together. Her tiny little fingers
and toes, her hearing that makes her turn her head when she hears her Mom or
Dad, her beautiful eyes roaming the room, not to mention the way her body
functions as a whole. It reminds me of
I Corinthians chapter 12 where it talks of us all being
part of one body as Christians and all essential despite what our function
is. No part is less important than
another. I know this primarily refers to
the gifts God gives us, but I think it can also apply to where God has put us
in life. Just as God did not want me to
be a professor or scientist such as some of my siblings, God did not determine
that I should be left with a healthy body for my entire life. The plan He had and has for me is
perfect. The part of the body of Christ
that I am is no less important than any other in God's eyes. I've experienced
enough bitterness in my own life and wasted enough years on it that I ask God
to protect me against it now.
I am back from the Houston cancer center and despite a
comedy of errors was able to get most tests done and see the doctor. We are waiting on the radiologist reading of
the two scans I had there, but from
looking at them himself, that oncologist sees no improvement, but no definitive
worsening except for one enlarged lymph gland which may or may not be related. His recommendation is still surgery or, as an
option some chemo pills that are being used in a study. He definitely feels I should not keep up the
chemo I was doing due to some neurological problems I was, and am, having. Today I called my local oncologist, who is a
godsend. In two minutes she determined
that we need to do another PET scan as the last one showed possible spread to
the iliac bone and as it should show if the lymph node that is enlarged is
related. This would make a tremendous
impact on decisions that I have to make so I am very grateful.
I am so thankful for the many who read this and take it
to the Lord in prayer. I have seen the
answers as the prayers, as incense, go up to Him! He hears and He will continue to give wisdom
and bring glory to His name. In the
meantime, I will be satisfied with the
place He has placed me in and leave any bitterness behind!
Your present trial
(from Grace Gems -(James Smith, "Comfort for Christians!")
"And we know
that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to
those who are called according to His purpose!" Romans 8:28
All things? Yes!
Everything that happens to the Christian is directed and overruled by God's
special Providence for his good! The experience may be very bitter--it may lay
him very low and try him to the core; it may keep him in the dust for a long
time. But it will do him good--not only in the end, but while it lasts.
Believer, your
present trial is for your good. Nothing could be better for you! You may not
see it now; you may even feel as if you never could think so--but the time is
coming when you will bless God for it.
You love God--and
God loves you with an infinite and eternal love. You came to the cross as a
poor sinner--and you looked to the Lord Jesus to be your perfect Savior. This
proves that you have been called according to God's purpose. You are one of
God's beloved ones, and as such--you may have the assurance that all things . .
.
light and darkness,
health and sickness,
hatred and love,
prosperity and adversity,
life
and death--
will work together
for your good!
Dark clouds bring
rich blessings--and sharp winters introduce fruitful springs. Even so, sore
troubles often precede the sweetest consolations. Your present
affliction--whether it is . . .
sickness of body,
trouble of mind,
bereavements,
losses,
crosses, or
whatever else
--is working for
your good. It will work for good in the future, and it is working for good now.
While your heart is bleeding, and you are tempted to think that all is against
you--all is working together for your good!
Dear Lord, I do not
see how my affliction can be good for me. But help me, Lord, to accept it as
such by faith--so that I may receive what You have for me through it.
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