Control

 

Control

 

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of resting my cancer’s return in the hands of God until I was told it might be 6 weeks before I could have the surgery to remove the tumor!  I came home very frustrated and disappointed.  After all I am a nurse and a former oncology nurse who has seen the scan of the large tumor resting (or maybe not resting :o) inside of me.  Obviously I know when it should be removed!  It took a night of struggle and being confronted with God’s good providence in having the email with the offer of a free cancer screening pop into my in-box to rethink my thoughts.  If it had not been for the screening, I may not have known the cancer had returned.

 

Shortly after the night of struggling I was given a surgery date of August 2 which is much sooner than predicted.  However today I went in for my pre-op scan and clearance.  The scan shows an increase in size of the tumor as well as a new 2 cm lesion on the other kidney.  Though disappointing, I am grateful to find that out before they opened me up.  My oncologist is consulting with the tumor board and I will see her on Friday when we will make decisions on whether to proceed with surgery.  It is very probable that I will not. 

 

I was reminded of a comment my five year old granddaughter who was sitting on the couch  quietly reading a couple of weeks ago while I was becoming increasingly frustrated with trying to get through to the right people at three different offices to coordinate appointments.  From the couch, without ever raising her head, Mary Fiona sensing my frustration said, “Gramama, God is all-powerful and He is in control!”  Then she continued with her book.  God knew I needed to hear that at just that moment and I needed to be reminded of that after leaving the surgeon’s office and again today.

 

It was very humbling and convicting for me to realize that I was expressing unhappiness with God’s control and would have preferred mine.  As an author I highly respect once said, we as Christians are often practical theists.  How true!  We say we believe in God and trust in Him, yet our actions so often belie that.  Once again I am at peace, for I know He who notes the sparrow’s fall has me in the palm of His hand!

 

As the words of the old hymn say,

             'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

            Just to take him at his word;

            Just to rest upon his promise;

            Just to know, thus saith the Lord.

 

            Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!

            How I've proved him o'er and o'er!

            Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

            O for grace to trust him more.

 

He has indeed proven Himself to me, but “O for grace to trust him more!”

 Please pray that I continue to rejoice in the Lord’s control as I know He makes no mistake!  Pray for wisdom and clarity in decisions and especially that God would be glorified in all that I do for whatever days He gives me.  To Him be the glory!

 

 

 

 

Providence

 

Providence

 

I met with the surgeon today to consult about removal of the adrenal tumor (PAL Present and Leaving - as I fondly call it).  I really liked the surgeon, however, I will admit to frustration as it will probably be four to six weeks before he can do another CT scan and the surgery.  I knew there could be a delay, but I was hopeful that it would be sooner.  I have talked to his nurse about trying to fit me in sooner.  I do believe God thinks I need a lesson in patience and waiting on His perfect timing!

 

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, but I have spent a great deal of time reading the Psalms, specific Bible passages and several devotionals.  Since the beginning of the year I have listened to a very short daily devotional podcast with Pastor Sinclair Ferguson called Things Unseen (I highly recommend it).  A couple of weeks ago the devotionals were focused on God’s providence which was a real timely blessing.

 

I do not understand God’s purposes in the cancer returning (or the delays), but I know that He has one and will fulfill it.  John Flavel says that God’s providence is like Hebrew words which have to be read backwards to understand them.  No matter what reasons I think God has allowed this my life, I can be assured that His providence is good and His purposes are not simply for me, but for the blessing of others as well. Pastor Ferguson uses the illustration of God painting on the canvas of our lives.  He uses different shades and colors in each of us and at various times, but it is all used to polish our graces and bring us to the image of Jesus.  All His providences, even this one, are worthwhile when it makes me into the image of His Son and brings Him glory.

 

So, please pray for me; that God would work His providence in and through me for His glory and to bless others. Also pray that He will cause me to remember His love that never fails and help me to respond in faith, hope and trust.  Please be in prayer also that it might be His will to have the surgery date moved up.

 

Someone sent this quote to the blog.  Think hard about that second sentence. It was a thought that has never occurred to me.  May it encourage you as it did me.

 

“In the unlimitable round of His timeless existence we have never been absent from nor uncared for by Him.
The best proof that He will never cease to love us lies in that He never began.
What we are for Him and what He is for us belongs to the realm of eternal values.
Without this we are nothing, in it we have all.” Geerhardus Vos

 

Some passages that have greatly encouraged me recently:

 

Isaiah 46:3-4

“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
    all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
    and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

 

Deuteronomy 33:26-27

“There is no one like the God of Jeshurun,
    who rides across the heavens to help you
    and on the clouds in his majesty.
 The eternal God is your refuge,
    and underneath are the everlasting arms.

 

II Corinthians 4:16-18

 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

 

Romans 8:38-39

 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

Romans 5: 3-5

 Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

What the Heidelberg Catechism says about providence:

Q.	What do you understand by the providence of God?
A.	God's providence is his almighty and ever present power, 1 whereby, as with his hand, he still upholds heaven and earth and all creatures, 2 and so governs them that leaf and blade, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, food and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, 3 indeed, all things, come to us not by chance 4 but by his fatherly hand. 5
	·         1.Jer 23:23, 24; Acts 17:24-28. ·         2.Heb 1:3. ·         3.Jer 5:24; Acts 14:15-17; Jn 9:3; Prov 22:2. ·         4.Prov 16:33. ·         5.Mt 10:29

 

 

His grace is sufficient

 

Yesterday I had a biopsy of the adrenal mass. Though not a surprise to me, and definitely not to God, the results show a return of the sarcoma.  God’s grace has been, and will be sufficient for me and His power will be made perfect in my weakness as the Apostle Paul well testifies to in II Corinthians 12.

The next step appears to be another trip to MD Anderson Hospital in Houston.  My sarcoma is extremely rare and my oncologist would like me to go there for a consultation to see if they have any new recommendations.  Any treatments they recommend (that I agree to) will be done here at home. Thank you for continued prayers.

 I have contemplated many hymns today, but also the first question/answer of the Heidelberg Catechism.  The answer to this question is truly my continuing comfort. May it be yours also!

 

1.	Q.	What is your only comfort in life and death?
	A.	That I am not my own, 1 but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, 2 to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ. 3 He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, 4 and has set me free from all the power of the devil. 5 He also preserves me in such a way 6 that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; 7 indeed, all things must work together for my salvation. 8 Therefore, by his Holy Spirit he also assures me of eternal life 9 and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for him. 10
		1.1 Cor 6:19, 20. 2.Rom 14:7-9. 3.1 Cor 3:23; Tit 2:14. 4.1 Pet 1:18, 19; 1 Jn 1:7; 2:2. 5.Jn 8:34-36; Heb 2:14, 15; 1 Jn 3:8. 6.Jn 6:39, 40; 10:27-30; 2 Thess 3:3; 1 Pet 1:5. 7.Mt 10:29-31; Lk 21:16-18. 8.Rom 8:28. 9.Rom 8:15, 16; 2

Continuing Journey

 

It has been years since I have added to the blog of my cancer journey.  God has been very gracious to me over those years.  I was given three years to live by doctors specializing in my rare sarcoma back in 2010.  Yet here I am today overwhelmed by God’s goodness and steadfast love!  Though the cancer did return in 2013 I have not had a recurrence since and have lived to see twelve living grandchildren (and two awaiting me in heaven).  I am truly blessed.

 A cancer screening a few weeks ago indicated that the cancer may have returned.  Further testing showed a mass above my left kidney on/or near the adrenal gland that is suspected to be a new primary tumor.  The day I learned that I read in my daily devotions where Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.”  How much less should I pray?

 I am scheduled for a biopsy on the 27^th of this month.  I covet prayer. I have peace whatever the results may be.  I do ask that you pray God would grant wisdom for myself and the doctors through this process.

 I have posted this prayer below previously, but am refreshed by it today.

 

Praying the Psalms Through Cancer

God is my refuge and my strength

A very present help in the time of trouble!

Though my body may fail me,

Though the cancer one day rise up against me,

Though pain should overwhelm me,

Yet He will never leave me or forsake me. (Psalm 46)

 

I will be still and know that He is God

He will be exalted among the nations

And He will be exalted even in me!

He is the LORD of Hosts,

He is the God of His people. (Psalm 46)

He will never leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

 

He surrounds me with His steadfast love.

Totally undeserved, it is abounding,

His mercy is great beyond all understanding.

It is inexhaustible. (Numbers 14)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

 

His steadfast love extends

As high as the heavens above.

It causes me as one of His children

To rest under the shadow of His wings. (Psalm 36)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

 

I will not hide His steadfast love

From His people.

I will declare it all around me,

For in His faithfulness He preserves me. (Psalm 40)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

 

Though, at times, tears flow day and night, (Psalm 42)

Yet I  remember He who collects them all in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8)

He is the one who surrounds me with His steadfast love

And gives me a song when I lay awake in the night. (Psalm 42)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

 

In my time of distress

I will sing of His steadfast love

As it is my fortress and my refuge

From a faithful God who has all power. (Psalm 59)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

 

I will bless the name of the LORD

For His steadfast love

Is as high as the heavens are above the earth

It is from everlasting to everlasting. (Psalm 103)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

 

For me to live is Christ

And to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21)

Whatever God intends for me,

I know He means it for good. (Genesis 50: 20)

So I will give thanks always and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 107)

  

Mary Bonner

Journey of the Sparrow:  http://bonnermom.blogspot.com/

bonnermom@gmail.com

 

Steadfast Love

           For about a month and a half I have suffered from a significant increase in pain.  Providentially scans I had last week showed no return of the cancer!  Apparently the pain is  a result of degeneration in several joints and in the spine. I am very grateful to God that He still has use for me on this earth!

              During this same period of time I was doing a word study of the word "hesed" in the Bible; a word translated often as steadfast love or mercy.  It is used over 200 times in the Bible, usually referring to God's great love for His people.  As I studied all the places the word is used I was humbled thinking of God's great love for me.  The thought that His steadfast love for me endures forever and is higher than the heavens above touched my soul deeply.  As I reflected daily on His love I started noticing great cloud formations. Each time I saw their magnificence I was in awe of the fact that God's love for me went beyond what I could see in the skies above!  To this day, I sometimes have to pull to the side of the road when driving to contemplate this message. As I did this word study, and at the same time wondered if the cancer had once again reared its ugly head, I wrote some personalization of several passages in the Bible which I include below. 

Prayer requests:  Praise God with me that this was not a return of the cancer.  I also covet prayers as I seek to find ways of relieving the pain without depending too much on medication.  Also pray with me that God would glorify Himself in me and use me well in this added time He allows me to remain on this earth.

God is my refuge and my strength

A very present help in the time of trouble!

Though my body may fail me,

Though the cancer one day rise up against me,

Though pain should overwhelm me,

Yet He will never leave me or forsake me. (Psalm 46)

I will be still and know that He is God

He will be exalted among the nations

And He will be exalted even in me!

He is the LORD of Hosts,

He is the God of His people. (Psalm 46)

He will never leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

He surrounds me with His steadfast love.

Totally undeserved, it is abounding,

His mercy is great beyond all understanding.

It is inexhaustible. (Numbers 14)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

His steadfast love extends

As high as the heavens above.

It causes me as one of His children

To rest under the shadow of His wings. (Psalm 36)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

I will not hide His steadfast love

From His people.

I will declare it all around me,

For in His faithfulness He preserves me. (Psalm 40)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

Though, at times, tears flow day and night, (Psalm 42)

Yet I  remember He who collects them all in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8)

He is the one who surrounds me with His steadfast love

And gives me a song when I lay awake in the night. (Psalm 42)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

In my time of distress

I will sing of His steadfast love

As it is my fortress and my refuge

From a faithful God who has all power. (Psalm 59)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

I will bless the name of the LORD

For His steadfast love

Is as high as the heavens are above the earth

It is from everlasting to everlasting. (Psalm 103)

I will give thanks and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever.

For me to live is Christ

And to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21)

Whatever God intends for me,

I know He means it for good. (Genesis 50: 20)

So I will give thanks always and bless His name,

For His steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 107)

What Next?

         Recently I had my routine visit with my oncologist.  In the absence of new symptoms we once again made the decision to hold off on routine scans unless, or until, they occur.  That visit made me realize that, despite the fact that the cancer has not reared its ugly head again in the last three years, that "normal" will never again look like it did before the diagnosis in 2010.  Today's normal includes not being able to work as I deal with symptoms that weren't there before: chronic pain, limited mobility, fatigue and chemo brain - a very frustrating but often humorous symptom.  In addition it also includes a greater appreciation of the awesomeness of God's steadfast love and the simple joys in daily life.  The new normal includes great pleasure in interacting with three grandchildren whom I (humanly speaking) was not supposed to live to see.  It also includes a backdrop of apprehension as I live with the tension of wondering if the cancer will return before my latest grandbaby is born in November.  Daily life has changed greatly for me in this new normal and has caused an underlying frenzy that asks, "What now?"

              Not long ago, for the umpteenth time, I finished reading the Psalms while at the same time I completed a study of Hebrews chapter 11.  I have always marveled that the Psalms are full of lament, frustration and fear.  That in itself gives me great hope.  In an odd way I found that  my study in Hebrews followed very closely with the Psalms and helped to answer my question of "What now?"  The last part of Hebrews 10 shows that the eleventh chapter was written to a church that had been through a great deal of suffering.  Then come the examples God chose to give of those who followed in faith in chapter 11.  The beginning of chapter 12 explains that He gave us those examples so they could be a great "cloud of witnesses" to us and encourage us to endure and run the race with patience.  Many were the lessons I was able to glean from my reading and studying.

              One of the most notable lessons from this "Walk of Faith" was that each and every one of those whose faith was considered worthy to be testified of, suffered.  Their suffering was in various ways and to different degrees, but they all suffered.  As Christians we are promised we will suffer as well as be tried for our faith (see James 1, Philippians 3:10, Luke 9:23-24, Romans 8:17 to name only a few).  Looking at these individuals lives alongside the Psalms (and Job) it seems that the suffering can include much more than ridicule and persecution for faith.  I think it is fair to say that physical and mental health issues, heartbreak, relationship struggles, financial issues and so much more can be included.  More than that it seems that God's agenda is not just to relieve our suffering, but to redeem us through suffering which should cause us to look not only for symptom relief but for the fruit of the Spirit in the midst of hardship.

              Looking further at these individuals it is fascinating to see that they all had weaknesses.  Moses complained that he couldn't talk, Gideon repeatedly questioned his calling and Rahab  made her living as a harlot. All were sinful.  All were weak.  Yet God used their weakness greatly.  He didn't just use them despite their weakness. He used them through their weakness.  Paul says, "My strength is made perfect in weakness" (II Corinthians 12:9). Here is where the Psalms of lament come alongside Hebrews 11.  The Psalms make it clear that we can cry out to God with our fears and frustrations in our weakness and suffering and this passage in Hebrews shows us that God can and will use us in the same weakness and suffering.  It is a great comfort to me as I relate this to my own life and see that God is greater than my cancer and its effects.  It gives me great hope that He will use that and my many weaknesses for His kingdom.

              Another major lesson I gleaned from Hebrews 11 was found as I looked at the vision each of those testified of had.  They all looked in faith for something far off that they would never see in this life.  The end of that chapter and beginning of chapter 12 makes it clear that we have much more than they did since we can look back to Christ's great sacrifice and life even as we look past our time on this earth to the glory that will be ahead.  What is so marvelous is that the vision we have in Christ is sure and doesn't depend on us!

              Lastly it is very clear in Hebrews 11 that God wants it plain that, while He uses His people, it is His might and not our faith that accomplishes.  Sarah's plan to produce a son failed and God waited past her childbearing years to fulfill His promise. He caused Gideon's battle to be won with only 300 fighting men against a large army to show it was His hand the battle was won. The Israelites crossed the Red Sea on dry land as God held back the waters.  What peace it gives me to know that Jesus is the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2)!  There is great security when my faith feels weak in knowing that I don't hope in my hope or my faith, but instead I hope in God who gives me that hope and faith.

              So, while my "What now?" question in my "new normal" is not specifically answered in Hebrews 11, I am encouraged to follow the examples in that passage and run the race with endurance.  For me - today - all I know is that means striving to reflect Christ every day in my thoughts, words and actions.  As He himself set the prime example before me, I pray daily that He will help me to befriend the unfriendly, help the weak, love the unlovely, give mercy to those in need walking beside those who suffer greater burdens than mine helping them to carry their load.

John Calvin says we should pray to God that He "would increase our hope when it is small, awaken it when it is dormant, confirm it when it is wavering, strengthen it when it is weak, and that he would even raise it up when it is overthrown."

"The practical belief of the existence of God, as revealed in the word, would be a powerful awe-band upon our souls, a bridle of restraint to keep us from sin, and a spur of constraint to put us upon all manner of gospel obedience." (Matthew Henry on Hebrews 11)

Now, the metaphor of a race is often to be found in Scripture; but here it means not any kind of race, but a running contest, which is wont to call forth the greatest exertions. The import of what is said then is, that we are engaged in a contest, even in a race the most celebrated, that many witnesses stand around us, that the Son of God is the umpire who invites and exhorts us to secure the prize, and that therefore it would be most disgraceful for us to grow weary or inactive in the midst of our course. And at the same time the holy men whom he mentioned, are not only witnesses, but have been associates in the same race, who have beforehand shown the way to us; and yet he preferred calling them witnesses rather than runners, in order to intimate that they are not rivals, seeking to snatch from us the prize, but approves to applaud and hail our victory; and Christ also is not only the umpire, but also extends his hand to us, and supplies us with strength and energy; in short, he prepares and fits us to enter on our course, and by his power leads us on to the end of the race. (John Calvin on Hebrews 11)

Cloudy Days

Ten years ago today my husband, surrounded by family and friends singing hymns and praising God, went Home to glory after a three year battle with lung cancer. Five years ago this month I was going through chemotherapy for the first occurrence of my cancer.  More recently I have  had good friends in the church body and family members with various afflictions and needs, some very overwhelming. One day recently these thoughts were weighing on my heart and mind and I thought how appropriate it was that the skies were gloomy and the clouds dark and ominous!  A few hours later, however, there were rays of the sun shining from behind the dark clouds.   By the afternoon the clouds were a wondrous sight to behold with some settling in a misty haze close to the earth while others were high in the sky. The colors in the clouds were indescribable with a multitude of different colors (some of which I wouldn't even know what to name) and varying shades of each!  It gave me pause to contemplate in wonder the Creator of those clouds.  Searching Scripture I realized that these clouds, and what God has to say about them, speak a great deal of theology.

Truly the heavens do indeed "declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handiwork" (Psalm 19). Nahum 1: 3 says, "His way is in the whirlwind and storm, and the clouds are the dust of His feet." The Psalms talk about God speaking to His people, Israel, in the cloudy pillar (99:7), making the clouds His chariot (104:3) and giving the clouds as a covering (105:39).  If the clouds are but the dust of God's feet, what does that say of the magnificence of the God behind them as well as how obscure  His ways are to our vision and understanding.  C. H. Spurgeon said, "Any more than an ant can ask an eagle why it flies in the sky can we look at the clouds and ask why God does what He does." What do we have to fear as we see great clouds when we know how small they are in God's view?  What cloud hanging over our heads is so big that we fear it when God Himself rides in the clouds above?  Those are the same clouds that can't hold back the sun!

Those clouds that seem so gray yet shine forth the rays of  the sun also bring us showers of rain to sustain us.  God places in those same clouds the rainbow which is His eternal reminder of His covenant promise to us (Genesis 9:16).  As William Cowper says in one of my favorite hymns,

             

              Ye fearful saints fresh courage take;

              The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy,

              And shall break in blessings on your head.

              (God Moves in a Mysterious Way His Wonders to Perform)

That being the case, should we not welcome everything God sends our way; and though we may fear as we enter into the cloud, believe in faith we will find God there where we will hear no voice but that of steadfast love! Whatever the cloud, the voice of the Lord speaks in it--"Fear not! when you pass through the water, I will be with you" (Isaiah 43:2) and "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). Our believing souls will be brought into perfect peace as our  faith anchors itself on God--the tempest will subside one day, and there will be a great calm.

To all my dear friends who are presently overwhelmed by the clouds of affliction or trials of whatever sort in your lives, may you remember today, the One who sits on His throne Whose feet stir up the dust of the clouds!  May you remember that He is the one who orders those same clouds and will also make them your sustenance from which come showers of blessing.  May you rest in the "shadow of His wings until these calamities have passed by," crying out to the One who "performs all things" for you (Psalm 57: 1-2).

 

"I Sing the Almighty Power of God" by Isaac Watts

              There's not a plant or flower below but makes your glories known;

              And clouds arise and tempests flow by order from your throne;

              While all that borrows life from you is ever in your care,

              And everywhere that man can be, you, God are present there.

Isaac Watts

              COME, we that love the Lord,

                And let our joys be known;

              Join in a song with sweet accord,

                And thus surround the throne.

             

              The God that rules on high,

                And thunders when He please,

              That rides upon the stormy sky,

               And manages the seas . . .

             

              This awesome God is ours,

                Our Father and our love;

              He shall send down His heavenly powers

                To carry us above.

             

              And here—before we rise

                To that immortal state—

              The thought of such a world of bliss

                Should constant joy create.

             

              God’s saints have ever found

                Glory begun below:

              That heavenly fruits on earthly ground

                From faith and hope may grow!