Faith

 Hebrews 11 defines faith as confidence in what we hope for even though we cannot see it. I have thought of that a great deal lately as my cancer has taken a rather rapid turn for the worse. It has now spread to the lungs and I am under palliative care to control the pain. I know that the day is coming before too long when I will go under hospice care.

I do believe with an absolute surety that no matter what awaits me before my death that what comes beyond is more awesome than I can even imagine! I have no doubt about that! However as I look at the list in Hebrews 11 of the men and women of faith and what they were called to go through I have wondered how my faith would sustain me if I were called to go through the same, and how my faith will sustain me with whatever lies ahead before my death.

My mind often goes to remembrances of a great man of God, Ariah, in the East African country where I was born and raised. I think of the great persecution he underwent because of his faith. I think of him imprisoned in a shipping container in the heat of summer with little to eat or drink. I think of his faith causing him to sing praises to God while in prison and when he was finally released to fall on the ground on his face with tears of utter joy, praising God for allowing him to suffer for His sake!

I have come to the realization that Ariah and those listed in Hebrews 11 did not produce their own faith. Even as Ephesians 2 verses 8 to 9 says, their faith was a gift of God! That gives me great hope and something to pray for. God has asked very little of me. I pray that in the days to come He would give me the surety that what He asks of me He himself will give me the power to accomplish. I pray that as Psalm 77:19 says, even though I cannot see God's footprints I will know that all He brings into my life is brought with His fatherly love. My fervent desire is that all who see and know me in the days before my death will see the joy of being Christ's child reflected in me! Please pray that for me.

 

God Moves in a Mysterious Way by William Cowper

 

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants His footsteps in the sea

and rides upon the storm.

 

Deep in unfathomable mines

of never-failing skill;

He treasures up His bright designs,

and works His sov'reign will.

 

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;

the clouds ye so much dread

are big with mercy and shall break

in blessings on your head.

 

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,

but trust Him for His grace;

behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face.

 

His purposes will ripen fast,

unfolding every hour;

the bud may have a bitter taste,

but sweet will be the flow'r.

 

Blind unbelief is sure to err,

and scan His work in vain;

God is His own interpreter,

and He will make it plain.

Praying for God's Will

 

Over the last months I have been faced with the rapidly increasing spread of my cancer and the knowledge that my days on this earth are greatly numbered. I am transitioning to palliative care after finishing radiation to the latest lesions on my low spine. I, as well as many others, have prayed over the years for healing. Growing up as a child I was taught to always add "but Thy will be done" to my prayers, which I believe is a very biblical practice. I have thought of that addition to my prayers lately as I am well aware that it seems that God has chosen to not heal me physically until I arrive home in heaven.

Recently I spent a good amount of time praying fervently about something. I am not certain how that prayer was answered but I struggled greatly with the fact that I did not know if it was answered in the way I desired and thought best.   It made me very aware as I thought about my reaction that while I prayed for God's will to be done I really wanted God's will to be my will. That struggle caused me to think about how often we do that. We pray for God's will when we really want our own will.

Today I was contemplating one of my favorite Bible characters, Joseph. How different would his life have been if God had answered what his prayers likely were: to be rescued from his brothers, to be rescued from prison and on and on. Yet God had a much greater plan for Joseph; a plan that impacted not only Joseph but two nations and definitely brought glory to God. God likewise has a much greater plan for the answers to our prayers than we can even imagine!

R.C. Sproul in his book titled Joseph says this:

 When God vindicated his servant, he did it far above and beyond anything that Joseph could have asked or thought. That is God. That is the promise that's made again and again in the New Testament: if we are willing to endure suffering and humiliation for a season, God has promised a future for his people beyond what the eye has seen, the ear has heard, or the heart has imagined (see I Corinthians 2:9). We can't imagine the wondrous things that God has in store for his people who trust him in times of languishing in prison.

My hope and prayer for myself as well as for you is that when we pray for God's will to be done that we are given the faith to really desire it and be ready to accept it. And when God gives answers that are not what we hoped for, I pray for joy in the knowledge that His ways truly are the better way.

I Corinthians 2:9 “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”

He Rose, and So Shall I

A blood test last week showed a dramatic increase in just under two months of sarcoma tumor cells being released into my blood stream.  A scan has been ordered to see if there are any spots where radiation might be effective in relieving symptoms. While this news was disappointing,  I was grateful that it came on Easter  weekend.  What a great reminder that Jesus died and rose from the dead and is even now preparing a place in heaven for me!
My son Christopher in a Sunday school lesson Easter morning said this, "The cross and Resurrection change everything not only because of the redemption from individual sin made possible, but because the resurrection is Jesus’ triumph over death, the devil, and all the spiritual powers arrayed against God. All the power and fear of sin and death that entered the world in Adam's sin have been broken because of Jesus’ resurrection."  The Sting of death is gone. Christ is risen and death will be overthrown. Christ is risen! He reigns and so will I.

So many Good Friday and Easter hymns have special meaning for me this year. Here are a few verses that particularity struck me.

 

My prayer is the third verse of O Sacred Head, Now Wounded:

 

What language shall I borrow
To thank thee, dearest Friend
For this, thy dying sorrow
Thy pity without end?
Oh, make me thine forever
And should I fainting be
Lord, let me never, never
Outlive my love to thee

My joy is the third verse of What Wondrous Love Is This,

 

And when from death I'm free, I'll sing on, I'll sing on
And when from death I'm free, I'll sing on
And when from death I'm free, I'll sing and joyful be
And through eternity, I'll sing on, I'll sing on
And through eternity, I'll sing on

 

And so sing with me these words from  Lift Up, Lift Up Your Voices Now

 

Lift up, lift up your voices now;
The whole wide world rejoices now:
The Lord hath triumphed gloriously,
The Lord shall reign victoriously.

In vain with stone the cave they barred;
In vain the watch kept ward and guard:
Majestic from the spoiled tomb,
In pomp of triumph Christ is come.

He binds in chains the ancient foe;
A countless host he frees from woe,
And heav'n's high portal open flies,
For Christ has ris'n, and man shall rise.

And all he did, and all he bare,
He gives us as our own to share;
And hope and joy and peace begin,
For Christ has won, and man shall win.

O Victor, aid us in the fight,
And lead through death to realms of light:
We safely pass where thou hast trod;
In thee we die to rise to God.

Thy flock, from sin and death set free,
Glad alleluias raise to thee;
And ever with the heavenly host

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghos 

Tears

 A few weeks ago a blood test showed that the sarcoma, not surprisingly, is once again wrecking havoc in my body. I had a few weeks to consider it while waiting for a PET scan to determine where it has settled now. The scan did not pinpoint where it has popped up which is both good and bad.  We know it is there as the dna blood test was very elevated, but, at least, it is not wide spread. Until worsening symptoms arise and more scans are ordered, I wait and rejoice in each day I have.

 As I awaited the scan results I felt anew that there is a shadow that hangs close to me - the shadow of death. Even as I am reminded with great comfort, that the Shepherd walks with me through that Valley of the Shadow of Death - however long it is, I shed some tears. Tears in anticipating that the day is coming when I will not be able to be the influence that Lois in the Bible was to her grandson Timothy, to my own grandchildren; tears that one day I will not be able to care for my special need son; and mostly tears for the tears that I know family and friends will shed.

 Thinking on this over the last few weeks I decided to focus on tears in the Bible - a very enlightening study. It amazes me how many of God’s children cried out to Him with tears all seen and heard by Him. I don't doubt that likewise He knows and feels my tears. As Psalm 56:8 says in one of the most precious verses in the Bible to me, God bottles up our tears and writes them down in His book!

Even as I think of these tears that I have shed I am reminded of what Ephesians 1:4 says, that even before he made the world God loved me and chose me in Christ! I am overwhelmed when I consider that before God ever said "let there be light", before He ever made the world, before He ever made the mountains or the oceans or caused the sun to shine.... before all of that He knew and He loved me!  And what an awesome thought to think that this is the same God who in the person of Jesus wept at the death of his friend, Lazarus and at the tears of Lazarus’s sisters! “His cheeks were bedewed with tears such as those which drop from our eyes, and by those tears all knew what manner of love he had towards his chosen. Blessed be his name!” (Charles Spurgeon) This is the same Jesus who knows my tears and promises one day to wipe them away!

 Charles Spurgeon in a great sermon on Jesus weeping says, "Jesus was no unsuffering seraph, no cherub incapable of grief, but he was bone of our bone, and flesh of our flesh; and therefore "Jesus wept."  ‘Jesus wept’" to teach us how to baptize our prayers unto God in a wave of heart grief.” ... his sympathy lies not alone in words, not even wholly in deeds - it is more tender than these can be. Only his heart could express His tender sympathy, and then it was by tears - tears which were brought up like gold from the ore-bed of the heart, minted in the eyes, and then put in circulation as current coin of the merchant, each one bearing the King’s image and superscription.”

 “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!”  (Abraham Kyuper). What a great reminder that Christ cries “Mine” over everything in our lives: our pain, our cancer, our heath issues, our tears, our heart breaks, our struggles. Yes - our very life and death.

Perspective

 

Radiation for the thoracic lesion was completed today.  It has officially fried my esophagus (hopefully temporary) so I assume it has made an impact on the thoracic lesion (hopefully permanent). This week has put many things into perspective.  Ten years ago this week I came back from MDAnderson in a horribly bumpy ambulance ride to a rehab hospital in Tyler after surgery to remove a third of my femur.  The doctor wanted me there for six weeks, but Christmas was upon us and I had been told that I had a short time to live.  So not expecting to be here for another Christmas I insisted on going home to spend that last Christmas with my family.  God has richly blessed me to be here ten years later.

 

As I have gone for radiation treatments the last two weeks I have noticed many awaiting doctor visits or treatments in the waiting area who are so much worse than myself.  Some short of breath despite oxygen, some in wheelchairs with little hope of getting out, some obviously feeling more exhausted than I feel. That, and the memory of ten years ago helps me to view what is been going on with my cancer with a different perspective. I am reminded of how blessed I am. I could be in a much worse shape today, BUT I am not there yet. I am content to be where God has me at this moment.

 

I recently saw this Christmas hymn and love the words.  May it bless you this Christmas season.  Have a blessed Christmas and remember He whose birth we rejoice in.

 

I Cannot Tell by William Fullerton

 

I cannot tell why He, whom angels worship,
  Should set His love upon the sons of men,
Or why, as Shepherd, He should seek the wand’rers,
  To bring them back, they know not how or when.
But this I know, that He was born of Mary,
  When Bethl’hem’s manger was His only home,
And that He lived at Nazareth and labored,
  And so the Savior, Savior of the world, is come.

2

I cannot tell how silently He suffered,
  As with His peace He graced this place of tears,
Or how His heart upon the Cross was broken,
  The crown of pain to three and thirty years.
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted,
  And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
  For yet the Savior, Savior of the world, is here.

3

I cannot tell how He will win the nations,
  How He will claim His earthly heritage,
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
  Of east and west, of sinner and of sage.
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory,
  And He shall reap the harvest He has sown,
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendor
  When He the Savior, Savior of the world, is known.

4

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship,
  When, at His bidding, every storm is stilled,
Or who can say how great the jubilation
  When all the hearts of men with love are filled.
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture,
  And myriad, myriad human voices sing,
And earth to heaven, and heaven to earth, will answer:
  At last the Savior, Savior of the world, is King.

 

 

Thanksgiving

 

Next week (or possibly later this week) I start radiation for a metastatic lesion in my thoracic spine.  It was discovered after an increase in back pain and sciatica sent me in for scans. Today I consulted with the radiation doctor.  After “planning” tomorrow he will decide what kind of radiation, but it will be high dose likely daily for two weeks.

 

A month before Thanksgiving as I was awaiting testing and results of those tests I determined that I would focus daily on the many things I have to be thankful for.  The list is truly endless and I’m sure I would not reach its end in my lifetime.  However, here are some of the things I have found to particularly give thanks for:

 

I am thankful that I can be joyful because where I am now is where God has assigned me to be today.

 

I am incredibly thankful for family and friends who surround me with their prayers and love daily.

 

When I lay awake at night, I am thankful for the ability to pray for friends who have entrusted me to pray for them.

 

I am thankful that when I am tied to my recliner I can still enjoy reading.  I am also thankful that when I forget what I have read I can find new enjoyment in reading the same thing over!

 

The pain makes me thankful that I have it so much better than so many.

 

I am thankful that I do not have to be a crotchety old lady complaining about her lot in life (and hopefully will never be) but can find joy in the place God has chosen to put me.

 

I am thankful that sixty-eight years ago, God knew me in my Mother’s womb and has not let go of me since!

 

I am ever so thankful that because God is good, just, and wise, all the time and in ALL circumstances, I can know that this cancer is for my good and for God’s glory.

 

I am overwhelmed daily with thankfulness for the beauty and awesomeness of God’s creation and the lessons that teaches me. I am reminded of Tim Keesee’s encouragement in his book “A Day’s Journey: Stories of Hope and Death-Defying Joy” to think of the trillium wildflowers that paint the forest floor in spring time. The flowers remind us of their Creator __ and ours. They remind us that the Great Gardener purposed to give life, color, fragrance, and beauty even to wildflowers that may never be seen in their brief existence. If our God does that for flowers, He will surely be with His people, giving them His life and filling their days with the fragrance and beauty of His presence.

 

May you be thankful  with with me every day, all day!

The Weed in the Garden of My Heart

 As I testified to in my last blog, four weeks ago I was abundantly blessed with good results from the surgery to remove the tumor on my adrenal gland. God was gracious to give me a fairly good recovery. Then two weeks ago I was very suddenly struck with an excruciatingly severe pain behind two of the incisions whenever I moved even slightly. The pain landed me in the hospital for the weekend where a multitude of tests were run. I have an exceptionally good pain tolerance, but my description of the pain was that it felt like there was a scalpel that had been left inside during my surgery! For those three days I moved only with the assistance of one of my two sons (who hardly left my bedside) or my daughter and was doubled over in pain, breaking out in a cold sweat just to walk to the bathroom. Ruling out other causes I was sent home by the minions of doctors with the probable diagnosis of nerve pain which would take some time to heal. I am very sensitive to medication and the medication I was placed on has made me feel like a zombie most days.

Over the last week I have seen some very slow, but definite Improvement. Enough improvement to give me hope that there is light at the end of a very long tunnel. I must admit however, that despite being wonderful cared (and prayed) for by family, the church body, and friends, I allowed myself to become very frustrated, discouraged and consequently somewhat depressed at the persistency of the pain, the uncertainty of the diagnosis and thus the outcome, as well as the inability to return to normal function. For a month the surgery, and now the pain, has kept me from church and all other usual activities, something that has greatly distressed me. It has been a struggle to read, crochet or do otherwise profitable activity while sitting in my recliner (which is most of the day) due to the medication.

In my attempt to fix my eyes upon my LORD instead of myself the last few days (something I was convicted I needed to do), I was struck by the irony of a thought that I had in my blog about being prepared for death or life. I do believe I was prepared for death, however I was massively unprepared for the last 2 weeks of life! Things did not go as I had planned, and instead of trusting quietly in the providence of God I allowed the weed of impatience to crop up into the garden of my heart. This was brought home to me in reading about patience in a book, "Fruit of the Spirit" by John Sanderson. He says, "In essence our resentment is against the timetable which the sovereign God has assigned to us, a schedule based on a plan of which we are usually ignorant. It is this ignorance which brings about our frustration, the seeming senselessness of delay, loss, or failure. But this is the reason why impatience is such a noxious weed - it leaves God out of our thinking. It is another case of practical atheism.... practical atheism is a snub directed against God."

So what am I learning from this time of pain?

1. It is a strong reminder that God's ways are not my ways, but they are the best way. This seems to be a lesson that I am perpetually being brought back to and humbled by.
2. Frustration and unhappiness with God's ways leads to the weed of impatience which results in self-centeredness, a lack of trust and a lack of hope. I am humbled by how quickly I turned to myself instead of God.
3. God is a God of never ending mercy and compassion. He has and will forgive my lack of trust and he will use even this time of pain for his glory and for my good.

I am reminded of Martin Luther, who when he became discouraged and was under stress he said to himself, "I am a baptized man." This was his reminder to lift his eyes off of his difficulties to Christ!  And so I say, “I am a baptized woman!  Baptized into Christ and there I must focus my eyes.”