In His Hands

And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and among the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou?  Daniel 4:35

This past week I saw my local oncologist and received the results of my most recent follow-up scans.   The scan of my lungs showed no cancer!  The scan of the lower left leg shows a continued 6 mm mass that is presumed to be the sarcoma.  I expected that as I have felt the nodule on the side of the radiated leg and had more swelling in it for a couple of weeks.   The good news is that it appears to be the same size as it was when first seen on scans six months ago.  Not as good is the fact that I can now palpate it.  Because it is on the radiated leg and I have had very serious healing problems when even a biopsy is done there, we made the decision to do repeat scans in three months unless it appears to be growing more rapidly before then.  At the point it is confirmed to be aggressively growing again (there or elsewhere) I hope to pursue a new immunotherapy treatment that has shown some very promising results at stalling the growth of several types of cancer with few side effects.  There is apparently no good way of ascertaining spread in the hip area where I had surgery last due to the rod causing artifact on scans.  While I do have some pain there, it is hopefully what is expected considering all the exercise I am doing to strengthen my leg muscles.  Overall, my strength is increasing every day and I feel better than I have in years!  For that I give God the praise!

What is most amazing is that I have complete peace despite the uncertainty of the results.  Even in my trying to rememorize Romans 8 this past week, I am reminded that I am chosen to be a child of God and as such am the recipient of His incomprehensible love, mercy and forgiveness.  I cannot imagine not being at peace when I keep my eyes fixed on the fact that my God has immeasurable power, is sovereign over all things, and has abounding grace and mercy.  I revel in the knowledge that the same God who has the nations in His hands also has control over the duplication of cancer cells in my body and know there is no better place to rest.  The days behind are gone, never to be relived.  He has granted me today and perhaps more tomorrows!  For that I give Him the glory and aim and hope to please Him in my use of each of them.

Thy mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; and thy faithfulness reacheth unto the clouds.  Thy righteousness is like the great mountains; thy judgments are a great deep: O Lord, thou preservest man and beast.   How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.   They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of thy house; and thou shalt make them drink of the river of thy pleasures.  For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light.  O continue thy lovingkindness unto them that know thee; and thy righteousness to the upright in heart.   Let not the foot of pride come against me, and let not the hand of the wicked remove me.  There are the workers of iniquity fallen: they are cast down, and shall not be able to rise.  Psalm 36: 5-9

A Story of Self or My Autobiography

Recently I was editing a story I wrote about my special needs son, Jesse, for a blog a friend has put together (http://specialneedsspeciallove.com/) on the joys and struggles of raising special needs children.   It got me to thinking of how the story of my life would read, which in turn led me to thinking on the stories of the lives of saints in the Bible.  Most of the stories I thought of were quite different from what we would think of as a biography.  In fact all the stories were about much more than the individual.  I mused on the fact that the short story of our lives  is not even about us.  While I am a very vital character, I am not a primary character.  The story of my life intertwines with the story of the lives of many others, but most  importantly with the One who the story is about - God himself and the redemption of His people.

I've said it before, but one of my favorite stories in the Bible is that of Joseph.  It is amazing to read of his life with brothers who hated him, being sold as a slave, thrown into prison by a conniving spurned woman and being forgotten for years while there.   Joseph was definitely a man of faith, but his story is not even about that.  It is about how God used (and brought about) all of the snippets of his life to save His people from starvation, something Joseph was unaware of until near the end.   Even more than that it is just one small segment of the story of God's redemption.

There are other very interesting things individuals did in the Bible.  There was Noah building an ark on dry land to the amusement of his neighbors.  The apostle John was clothed in a loin cloth eating locusts and wild honey.  There were Daniel and his friends being thrown into a fiery furnace.   Esther became the queen of a pagan king.  Then there was Isaiah, who was called by God to be naked and barefoot for three years!  (I can just see the possible conversation with God, "Wouldn't my brother be better suited to this job?")  What about Hosea who was told to marry a prostitute?   Thinking on these stories reminds me why I object to so many Bible story books today:  they tend to focus on the interesting story without showing how it relates to the BIG story that it is a part of.   All of those stories are about far more than the individual characters and when I fail to see that I am missing the vital essence of the story.

As I think of my story, I know I tend to wrongly focus to a large degree on MY cancer when that is really a very small part of my life.  It is so reassuring to make note of biblical characters lives, see how they intertwine with the BIG story and be reminded that my story is about the Bride of Christ and how this one insignificant individual fits perfectly into the plan that God has for His Bride, the church.  As I face my follow-up scans before too long, it is a wonderful thought that my life with all its snippets is part of something much bigger - the story of redemption.  I don't need, nor do I want my independence, because as Paul Tripp in A Shelter in the time of Storm, says, "I was carefully designed by the Creator to live in a dependent, obedient, and worshipful relationship with him and in humble, interdependent relationships with other human beings.  The quest for independence is not simply a spiritual mistake;  it's a fundamental denial of my humanity." 

Paying Forward

"Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy."  Matthew 5:7

The concept of "paying forward" seems to becoming more and more popular lately.  As best as I can understand, it is the idea of someone doing a good deed to you which  you then "pay forward" by doing a good deed for someone else.  I've read examples of it such as someone paying a toll for the person behind them at the toll booth.  Another of  buying someone behind you a meal when in line at a fast food restaurant.  Perhaps the most touching was seen recently in a video that went viral of a little boy finding a twenty dollar bill in a restaurant parking lot and giving it to a soldier inside with a note about his soldier father who died when he was an infant and "paying forward" by giving the man the bill.   In many ways this is a cool way of showing love for others, but it certainly shouldn't be the main reason why we give.

I've been thinking a great deal about giving lately as I've been experiencing a great deal of it.  With my daughter's wedding fast approaching, she and I have had several recent discussions about how  many have blessed us over the last few years and continue to do so.    Many things in her wedding are gifts from someone.   Because of scholarships her last two years of college were paid for.    When my husband was dying from his cancer, friends and family gave and gave.   Since then, and all through my cancer treatments, friends rallied around providing in more ways than I could have dreamed of.   I don't think most of this giving had anything to do with what these people had been given, but was simply out of love and care.

While I like the concept of paying forward, for the Christian I think it is more giving back or "paying forward" just a bit of what God has given to us.  We take for granted so many of the blessings He gives us each and every day.  Because of that, we tend to not give back to others out of the showers of blessings He gives to us.  My prayer is that I will be more aware of where and how I need to give to others, remembering, not primarily what others have given me, but mostly that all I have is given to me to use for His glory.  John Calvin in the "Golden Booklet of the True Christian Life," says You cannot imagine a more certain rule or a more powerful suggestion than this, that all the blessings we enjoy are divine deposits which we have received on this condition that we distribute them to others.

He is Risen!

For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.   And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God,  whom I shall see for myself,  and my eyes shall behold, and not another.  My heart faints within me!—Job 19:25-27

I sat in my recliner this morning, sadly kept home from church by a cold, musing over what the resurrection of Jesus Christ means to me.  I thought on my all-time favorite part of Handel's Messiah, which is also my all-time favorite piece of music, "I  Know That My Redeemer Liveth." 

I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that He shall stand at the later day upon the earth.

And though worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.

For now is Christ risen from the dead, the first-fruits of them that sleep.

How I love that piece of music and what it implies.  His resurrection gives me great hope:  hope that one day when this body succumbs and is laid to rest in the earth that God will raise me even as He raised His only son.  I think on the wondrous love of God who loved His people so much that He sent His Son to live among them, suffer beyond our comprehension and die a cruel painful death laying on Him the punishment of hell.  I think on that and the magnificent power of God that raised Christ from the dead and I know His promise that I will be raised one day is not in vain because what He allowed His Son to go through for my sake cannot be in vain!  What hope that gives me!

When I think on the resurrection, I also think of the Lord's Supper which we joyfully participate in together on this earth as we anticipate partaking of it in Heaven.  What a wonder it is that Jesus promised He would not partake of it again until the day we all gather with Him in Heaven.  I have not seen the recently released movie about a boy who comes close to death and claims he entered Heaven, but I cannot imagine how one could even begin to describe in words or picture the utter joy to be at the Lamb's feet worshiping Him day and night and partaking anew with Him and all the saints of His supper feast.  What a glorious day that will be with no more tears and no more sorrows!

The last thing I mused on this morning was the promise in Romans 8 that Christ rose and ascended to the Father's right hand where He now intercedes for us.  He intercedes for me!   All my paltry complaints on this earth become as nothing when I think that Jesus, God himself, intercedes for me.  There is nothing in this life, not my cold, not my cancer, not persecution, not material standing, not any enemy, not even myself, that can keep me apart from the love of Christ Jesus my Lord.  Nothing can keep God from accomplishing His purposes in my life.   

Alleluia, He is risen!  He is risen indeed.  Praise God!

"But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep."

I Corinthians 15:20

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?  Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long;  we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.'  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.   Romans 8: 31-37

Exercise

Heb. 4: 11-13  Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.  For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.  And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Exercise seems to be what my days are made up of lately.  I "graduated" from physical therapy, which basically means that I now get to pay for the workout instead of the insurance company paying!  So three to four days a week I spend an hour and a half to two hours working out aggressively in the pool.   To do that takes about two more hours getting there and back, hobbling painfully to and from the parking garage, changing, etc..  The other days, except Sunday, I do "land" exercises here at home.  Most days it seems as though my schedule revolves around the exercise.  I must admit that I have seen profit from the torture.  I have progressed from the scooter, to a walker, to a quad cane and now to my old walking cane (most of the time.)  Though not something my family encourages, if I'm careful I can even manage a few steps without any support.  There are fewer chairs that I have to have a son or daughter help pull me out of and I definitely feel stronger and more secure on my feet.   I have discovered that for the profit, I must expend a great deal of time and  discipline, as well as suffer a fair amount of pain.  The discipline is especially hard as I have to fight finding reasons not to do it.

I have been contemplating lately how much energy I expend keeping up with the exercise and how little time and effort I often spend on exercise in my spiritual life.  I hate to admit how often I will read  a chapter in the Bible and come to the end without having any idea of what I just read or how often I forget those I have promised to pray for in my daily prayers.  Paul several times speaks of the "abounding love" of the saints.  We are also told to "be holy, for I am holy" (I Peter 1:16) and to "...do justly, and to love mercy..." (Micah 6:8).  Matthew tells us to be perfect in chapter 5:48.  And we're not told it will be easy.  Paul tells us in I Timothy to "exercise ourselves unto godliness" and Hebrews says we are to "strive" to enter into His rest.  Those are high orders, but ones given to those professing Christ.  I am dismayed by how little time I spend exercising faith, love, mercy and holiness to speak of only a few spiritual traits.

Time is going by rapidly in our Christian lives.  I know it is time for me to get off my spiritual crutches and exercise those qualities that Christ would have me to obtain.  Oftentimes I act as though love, mercy, holiness and godliness along with so many other Christ-like traits are going to fall out of the sky and be mine for the grabbing.  It's time, not to stop the physical exercise, but to work hard on the spiritual, which profits much more.  Pastor John Piper in The Godward Life had this prayer: "Lord, let me do for you what is utterly disproportionate to who I am."  I have thought often of his prayer and made my prayer, "Lord, whether you allow this cancer to overcome my body, or my body to overcome the cancer, allow me to do far above what I am able for your glory and Your kingdom.  Fill me with the fruits of Your Spirit and allow me to be a reflection of Christ to others."

James Smith - The Prescription.

Spiritual health is an invaluable blessing — and should be more carefully attended to. Unless the graces of the Spirit are in vigorous exercise, and the duties of piety are our delight — we are not in health; there is some sickness, and we need the physician's care. To preserve health where it is, or restore it where it is not — attend to the following prescription. It is valuable; it is important — because, "it is for your health."

1. First, you must have daily exercise. I recommend . . .

that you walk daily in the paradise of God's Word;

that you work in the vineyard of God's church;

that you bathe in the fountain of redeeming blood;

that you keep up fellowship with lively Christians;

and that you exercise all the graces of the Spirit.

Attend particularly to these points, for, "it is for your health."

2. Second, pay attention to your diet. Let your food be the best — the bread of life and the living waters of salvation are recommended. They satisfy and sanctify. They make healthy — and keep healthy! Be sure you take sufficient nutrition; a little will preserve life — but much is necessary to health! Take your food regularly, for regularity is important. You cannot, "prosper and be in health" unless you live upon Christ, and live upon Him every day!

3. Third, as to your medicine — it is made up of the bitter herbs of disappointment, losses, crosses, temptations, bereavements, troubles and trials of various sorts. It is very unpleasant — but very profitable. Unless taken, and taken pretty regularly — you will be laid up with idleness, carelessness, anxiety, pride, or selfishness! But this medicine is intended to prevent or remove these evils. Your Heavenly Father will prepare it — and Divine Providence will present it! You are to beg God's blessing upon it — take it and expect benefit from it. Do not despise your medicine, for, "it is for your health."

4. Fourth, we prescribe tranquility. You cannot be healthy, unless you preserve tranquility of mind. In order to calm your heart . . .

live in peace with God, as a loving child with a kind and tender Father;

cast all your cares upon Him,

daily confess your sins before Him,

get a renewed manifestation of His pardoning love,

trust the promises and providence of God for the future,

live day by day,

be content with your lot — it is appointed for you by infinite wisdom and love! It is the very best that can be, and this you will see and confess by-and-bye.